I don't need any of it

Stuck between fire and ice. Heat and coldness.

Contemplation is damaging, surfacing the things I desperately need to bury. In between two seasons, two elements, two contrasting evils. I stay between avoiding a choice, refusing to burn or freeze. Both are capable of consuming me, killing the spirit, the innocence. I unconsciously block and push away both closing walls, different in every way. There is no safety in this scenario. It's burning or freezing, fire or ice, wrong and wrong. So different, yet essentially the same.
I struggle to understand the warmth that smothers seeming to bring safety. There's a natural pull, reeling me closer to the heat. The stable beat enforces a physical dependence tickling my senses. I need to hear, smell and feel the heat. The presence of this warmth is something I desire constantly. It melts me but I can't help but notice the danger, the burning heat. The flames that seem so tempting now could be the one thing that ends me. I am addicted to being around the heat as it keeps me warm, providing a shield against the drastic weather and changing seasons. This fire, this physical attraction lacks depth. I doubt this goes further than an unhealthy physical need. The comfort emitted from the fire is something I'm not ready to let go of. It's something I can't get enough of.
The cold ice and icy cold has a touch that lingers, irreplaceable. This coldness wraps me, numbing my world and tricks me into passing the wheel that drives my life. Ice is hard, cold, mysterious and seductive. The one element that is capable of freezing me, the one element too capable of taking over. The coldness brings an aching feeling. I've become detrimentally attached to this freezing substance in my life. It confuses me, and I will never understand it but I will never get tired of it. One thing is definite, I will always want it. This desire is unexplainable and impossible to comprehend. I don't know what to think of it. Ice has the unpredictable qualities, easily transforming into water. The water can drown me, strangle the life out of me. Ice and water are not stable as they slide and flow around building paths of confusion. Making me run circles in my head.
I remain indecisive, always and forever, forever and always. Both have fused into me, I don't need any of it. But I want it all.

Mental Disposal

I don't know what's good for me. I'm hooked on what's bad for me and so it's inevitable for me to get lost in the chain of consequences.
Maybe deep inside, somewhere in the corner I know the difference even though I don't seem to act like I do. Down this detrimental path I walk again, it's all the same with the exception of new casualties. Their faces, their words all blurred, all the same.
It's a short worthless road, used too many times, scarred too many times. At first, it's packed with excitement, beauty and adventure but as the journey progresses, the innocent joy fades away like meaningless words written in the sky. The words publicly displayed to mislead people, to make them obsessed with deciphering the words and phrases dripping with meaningless confusion. As the exhilaration disappears boredom comes along and spreads itself wide and thick. It assures unavoidable, boring and dangerous instability.
The heat is addicting, it takes me away from the freezing cold but eventually the fire burns me. The flames can get out of control down this path, it gets dangerous too fast and it burns out. Before I get a chance to escape, before I get a chance to get to safety. Maybe I don't know what I want. But then it's all meaningless junk heading for mental disposal. My thoughts are not constant, they're anything but constant and stable.