Gemini

You can talk up a storm today, but being clever can be an effective way to cover up your feelings of uncertainty. You probably don't have as much self-confidence now as others think. But even if your moods are less than stable, you can rest assured that they will settle back down, even if it still takes a few more days. In the meantime, speaking fewer words can help you be more truthful about what's really important to you.

It really hurts. I've honestly never felt so much pain in my life. Ever. And I know there will be other bad times, even worse times. But for now let that day be marked as the worst. So, I say:

"here's to the worst day of my life.."

I felt so numb. I feel so numb. The whole world became a blur, all the words didn't absorb, all I could remember and see was killing me. I can't take it. I've never felt this down. I'm used to being neutral/happy/normal/high, so this is not an emotion I'm used to. I hate it so much. It's not even anger, I wish it was. It would be easier that way. The pain is suffocating, I find it harder and harder to breathe everyday, and I swear it's not the sickness. Seems like you're taking my breath away, in the worst way possible. I feel so far away. I feel like I've been ripped out of the book, torn apart, shredded into pieces. And, yes, it kills. I remember the moments, I couldn't watch. Every single time, I'd leave to save myself. Truth be told, I'm not brave enough to stay and watch, truth be told, I don't think I'd be able to keep it together. I've never felt so weak, so frozen, so cold and so alone. It's the worst feeling in the world. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Broken. It hurts way too much. I really wish I didn't care. I know I said I didn't care so many times, but I was lying. I wish I meant what I said. I feel like I'm in the dark corner. If only I could turn back time. Total cliche, I know. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to handle this situation at hand. I feel like a scrunched up and thrown away small piece of paper being burnt. Soon only the ashes will remain. I can't take the pain, I can't bear to watch. It's scarier than any horror movie. The truth is, I'm really scared, I've fallen into a deep hole and the grainy dirt is not letting me take a breath. I'm sinking and suffocating in this pausing phase. My life has slowed. Everything seemed to have stopped. I try so hard. So hard to act normal. But it can get so hard to pretend. I'm not used to pretending, this is the first time in my life, I have to continually fake a smile, fake the joy. I can't let my guard down, if I drop this normal act, I don't think I'll end too well. I must keep it together, but I feel as though I'm going against the wind, against a hurricane. I'm trying my best to not let it consume me. But it's getting harder. I've never felt so much pain in my life. I can't even sleep anymore. I can't close my eyes without replaying the scenes in my head. And it hurts so bad every time. I always walk away. If I didn't, I'd break down, right there. And I don't think you even care.

Screw it.

It's driving me insane. You're driving me insane. I lost control of my steering wheel. To you.

It's so stupid, beyond stupid. This thing feels like a painting with too many colours mixed together, so mixed that the colours look almost confused going anywhere and everywhere without a purpose. From afar this painting may look fine, it may look completely acceptable perhaps even artistic but there's a lot more to it than that. It's completely twisted, scarred by the different paint textures and colours. The emotions are too muddled, some are vibrant and cheerful others are dark and scream pain. To me, this painting has little meaning now. Whatever. Screw it. I don't care anymore.
Smash it with a hammer, screw in it with a screw driver and whatever happens to it, isn't my problem anymore. I'm done. Finished. It has become just another picture to burn.
Honestly, I don't like feeling unnecessary emotions, particularly emotions that are detrimental. I'm not fond of being consumed with anger and/or jealousy. It's just unnecessary.
So there. That's it. It's for my own good. Because, sometimes, I feel like I'm being smashed with a hammer and screwed in with a screw driver when I see what I see. My usual remedy is to walk away. But that method doesn't seem to work so well anymore so I'm done. I can't stand it. I hate jealousy. I hate it as much as I hate you. But the thing I hate most, is that I don't hate you.
So this is why I'm lighting a fire on it and leaving it behind. Hate and jealousy are stupid. I'm not going to lose to them.