Addicting

You are like a drug. A substance in my life that I should keep a distance with, yet knowing this fact, I unknowingly urge forward as if controlled through the pulls of magnetism. Like a drug you are illegal and wrong. Completely aware of the lack of legitimacy of the concept I fail to ignore and live through rationally. It's only human to want things and sometimes our desires are all wrong for us. Knowing this fact we reach forward for more. As strong and resistant we may pretend to be on the surface, behind our masks the sad reality is we are human. Humans that cave and eventually give in and accept defeat, pulling up the white flag. Like a drug when you reach me, change within me is inevitable occurring too naturally ignoring all mental blocks and walls I build. I am forced to sink into layers of mental battle and swim into the deep dark threatening ocean of confusion. The illegal substance slows the reaction of the victim and swipes the control. Like a drug you are the one thing that destroys me. Leaving the victim dazed and motionless, drugs take you away. Dazed. The word humours me.
Drugs take their innocent users away. Away from reality. Away from all that they have known. They drive you through waves and tides of intense sensation, provided from no where else. A confined new world the substance constructs within our minds, a perfect world. A world that does not exist. Like a drug you delude me. You're intoxicatingly elusive and unbearably cryptic.
You confuse me entirely, your remarks leads me into a mental room of confusion where I ponder alone upon the reasons and thoughts behind your words. Although you can frustrate me at times particularly at the times when you seem to be intentionally annoying me and yet at the same time completely amused, I can't get away. The intoxicating feeling you trigger in me is something I never want to let go. You are the one that lights that fire. Like drugs you change me temporarily although I am scarred, as your presence physically and mentally diminishes and deteriorates I am able to return to normality. Without you within contact and proximity I am able to escape your intense control over me and I have firm grips over it all. But as my drug comes into action it hits me like a gigantic life changing meteorite crashing into my plain perfectly dimensioned ball of life.
A drug has one most prominent characteristic. Addicting. Clicking on desire and want dragging out the weak in people. Overpowered and mesmerised by the ability of the breathtaking substance I am lost in thought. Why are people addicted to drugs? Knowing that it is evil, wrong and going against all morals people seem to do it anyway. Is it the concept of escape that intrigues us? Drugs seem to provide an escape. Escape from reality. We're all running to stand still. Victims crave the toxic, addicting substance that hides and covers reality, bringing a desired scene into view. Almost like the way I crave your presence.
I am in no state of preparation for your elimination. I simply can't, while you are a drug to me. A drug I am addicted to.

Unexplainable Actions

I dislike the insanity, difficult of definition you trigger within me.
The utmost weirdest, indescribable malfunctions occur within myself in your presence. I fail to understand the foolish comments and actions that I am supposedly controlling. Out of your proximity, I have grips on control, I have logic. I understand logic. Throughout my short life I have always personally made sense of everything, always having control. But this malfunction, that I have spent hours contemplating on still has no sense or reason. The existence of this malfunction has no purpose, it simply lurks and haunts my mind. This sense of attraction is shredding sheets of logic. You seem to unintentionally be crushing the commonality dragging my mind under the intensive waves into an unfamiliar scene. You defy the commonality in the life I have known. And you ask, why am I different in your presence? At the time my mind was fairly distant from reality and I didn't understand the concept myself in order to make you understand. Why am I different in your presence? Honestly, it is beyond being rational and in control. It didn't come to my realisation that it was obvious. I wasn't aware that you could read me so well. Perhaps my actions and ignorant comebacks sing my thoughts aloud, and damn, you were there to hear it.
Why don't we ever want things when they are right in front of us? Why don't we appreciate the presence of things and people when they are actually there? Why must we yearn for their presence when they are away? Again. We want the things we can't have. It's a terrifyingly complicated concept that I've been struggling to make sense of. Do we simply enjoy the frustration of confusion? Does this confusion have a certain mental appeal to us?
My glass of concentration completely disintegrates in your presence. It is no longer in my control. I use to have a handle on life until you broke it. The reality is, you are aware of this.
Perhaps the reason for your constant hovering and extra explanations is because you believe I have an attention span of a child (which I must admit is not at all wrong). It simply puzzles me how you can be so observant to pinpoint the second my thoughts wander out of the room. You seem to realise before I do.
Is it not confusing when the moment something or someone comes within your proximity your control over it all diminishes? Yet while a second earlier your view and world was intact and free from unclarity. It is as if these things or people possess something that blinds you. There are no definitions for these people, however personally I have one particular accurate description. Kleptomaniac. You steal my control frequently, more than I am capable of understanding.
"The way you stole my attention was flat out burglary" GCH
You are like a compulsive thief in the night, a kleptomaniac. You don't even realise what you're doing. I vanish between the lines of reality and am replaced by someone with nothing more than ignorant complaints. You steal my control.
He's a kleptomaniac, he'll steal away your control. You better check his pockets and wallet before someone gets hurt.
Is it psychological? Do we mentally turn off a switch in our mind? It is a confusing concept, one that I am unable to understand and explain. This concept makes a perfect rubix cube.
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire; The other is to gain it." - George Bernard Shaw

What I want and what I can't have are the same thing.

Like the selfish humans we are (or well I am) we want the forbidden things in life. The objects that obtain our attention are the ones that are beyond our reach. The further and further we reach for them our irrational affections intensifies. Is it the beauty of the impossibility that pulls us in? Perhaps the reality of the difficulty or impossibility of getting our egocentric hands on the certain something or somebody triggers an illogical inner rebellion.
This peculiar psychological concept in a sense can be translated and explained metaphorically. The forbidden fruit. In this world we, like Eve, are cruelly teased. In the world of games and competitions this "forbidden fruit" is something that slows us down, makes us run slower and leads us to an unknown scene leaving us to the dead end of confusion, wanting more. And more. Why is it that we find such intense appeal in the things we can't have? Is it in relation to the psychological and mental side of being human? This insane humanly trait of mine is the cause. The cause of me finding you frustratingly desirable.
It's the attraction of the idea that it is completely beyond possibility no matter which corner you may analyse from. Knowing no matter how much I may want, I can never have, makes it something that shines and shimmers incredibly. The value of it all increases. Perhaps in a different world the idea wouldn't be as absurd or impossible. But if this theory of mine were to be correct, wouldn't that mean the entire appeal you seem to hold would no longer exist or at least be not as strong? Deep inside we are foolish children driven by our immature instincts wanting the forbidden candy that is hidden on the top shelf while a completely legal whole bowl sits within our reach. The forbidden fruit effect makes it naturally difficult to resist. Imagine walking through a park and there are two apple trees present however one of them is fenced off. One is in easy reach whereas the other is proposing a challenge. Which one catches your attention? The plain ordinary tree that simply requires a light pluck? Or the enchanting, mysterious tree that has been purposely put out of your reach? I personally would be attracted to the caged tree. Our minds will have no choice but to speculate on the reasons why it is fenced off. In our minds we may delude ourselves in believing that those apples are more ripe, more scrumptious and better for sinking our teeth into. All this because we can't have it. Much earlier in time humans have had the desire to fly. Impossible. Why can't we accept the fact that we were destined to roam the grounds? Why must we be so intrigued by the idea of defying gravity? It goes against logic. The thing is we know we are unable to fly, deep inside this is a fact to us. Yet so many of us disapprove of this fact. After coming to the sad realisation that it is indeed not possible, we as humans created things that provide a similar sensation to flying, although artificial. As humans we have always wanted things we can't have and to do things that are beyond our capabilities. This entire concept may possibly be something personal. Perhaps I have to come to the conclusion that I have the inability to be satisfied with things that are easy and within reach. Perhaps I have to accept the fact that I want the things I can't have.
Desire is a simple concept. It basically is an irrational mortifying creature that can take you by the reins and drive you into deep waves of confusion.

A Fight

The next time you think of bringing anyone down, think. Being brutal, inconsiderate and to put it in one simple word.. mean, doesn't make the world a better place and doesn't humour anybody. Perhaps yourself.. but then you must be a monster. Haha.
Hurting the feelings of others is not an act that I believe should be encouraged in fact how thoughtless and heartless can you possibly be to be mean to others.
Depression is a serious issue, most of us toss this word around so carelessly but the fact is depression is not just a word to describe a temporary feeling of sadness we all as individuals suffer from occasionally. There are countless victims suffering from this severe mental illness that seems to be plaguing around us. Depression is usually triggered after major build ups of darkened thoughts and experiences and none of us should have to come to the point of depression. It is a lonely place, and none of you guys should ever have such a horrid experience. Not that I have had any personal experiences, despite what Ms Ross may suspect. HAHA!
I personally dislike the thought of people going through pain whether it be physical or mental, it just doesn't feel right. No one in this world should be lonely and no one should be ignored.
Tennessee Williams once wrote "When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone" I bet he was probably a decent friendly old man. Haha. I'd hate to think anyone I know is going through depression, it just isn't right.,
So be nice, and this world will be a nicer place to live in. (:

This elusive feeling is a fight,
It drowns me in a deep sea of tears,
The dark clouds shade me from the light,
My mental wheel it steers,
It is a conspicuous thief,
Robbing me of my joy,
Leaving me to the dead end of grief,
Its single motive is to destroy,
It haunts me every second,
Like a toxic insignificant ghost,
Prancing in my mind it beckoned,
Leading me as it’s the host,
Leading me to my own hell,
My own tunnel of darkness,
Where I am alone in the secluded nutshell,
I am its personal canvas,
All over it paints tragedy,
A despondent puppet I am,
With the silent beast controlling me,
Following like a mindless lamb,
I put on a devastating show,
My audience become more and more puzzled,
Like from the radiant Sun to lonesome Pluto,
I hear their far away murmurs all muffled,
These warm faint shadows try to reach me,
But I am in too deep,
Too deep in this pit so eerie,
All their bewildered eyes see me weep,
I try to reach the surface,
But the menacing tides disagree,
Pushing me below breathless,
In this mental forest of mine,
It is as dark as a graveyard,
Where no light can shine,
Here I have been scarred,
And here I learnt I am nothing,
It is my unstoppable deadly predator,
That causes my bleeding heart aching,
It strikes me like a dagger,
This elusive feeling is a fight,
And now I surrender,
I pull up a flag so white,
No longer can I be the prey to the predator,
And here I am with a bullet to my head,
My metal saviour will pierce through,
Shattering the pain imprinted glass I dread,
And it is death’s cue.

Don't you just hate it when you care?

The whole world spins with so much more ease when you refuse to care and bother with the minor details. Life was simpler when thoughts and emotions were kept at the surface. It was safer. But for some reason what if something manages to seep through the resistance or perhaps you experience a moment of weakness and let go of the reins of control. You begin to be dragged down below the surface to a bottomless pit where all you can do is ponder in the tunnel of darkness of your creation. While if you allow yourself to believe and trust, you elevate above the surface perhaps feeling more than you have ever dreamed possible. Feeling exceeding positivity gaining a pass into the world of perfection where rainbows dominate the pretty blue sky and the rabbits hop around on perfectly green grass, or whatever your perfect world may be. Well the point is this perfect world is only temporary. Before you know it this perfect picture of yours will disintegrate and shatter into millions and millions of pieces to the extent that the pieces are no longer visible and no evidence of your perfect world can be seen through your eyes and perspective. It is just like when you finally get your moment of peace and ease on the rollercoaster everything falls down dragging you along with the mess. And you really have no say in what happens and all you can do.. is, scream! haha
It's like greenhouse gases, it has to be at the right level if you let is go too high then you are in a load of trouble. But without it at all our world would be a terrible cold place. Haha, that's what happens when you study for science.

They say it's better off not knowing, and I guess it is safer it keeps you at the surface I mean ignorance is bliss, right? But personally, I like to know things, as much as the truth may strike like a dagger, okay that was a total exaggeration, but you get the drill. As a complete third person outsider, it isn't logical to care about such an issue or the person for that matter. There was no initial shock, I guess a part of me knew the truth well suspected it at the least. Yet a larger overruling part of myself refused to accept the fact and ignored all the obvious signs. Forcing myself to believe my own lies. It is simply beyond logic for this to remain in my mind. I told myself long before that this was nothing of depth. And it was nothing more than curiosity. And damn, don't they say curiosity killed the cat? Pure curiosity, I still believe that is all there was to it. Curiosity of this odd character in this boring world that was it. From the beginning, a part of myself knew you weren't like any other and of course you proved my theory correct. The character you played was.. the only word even close to the description, is well.. different. Like no other. Not what I have known and have grown use to. Perhaps you were like a colour that simply differed to the usual world that screamed bleak and grey. And then the truth was revealed, well I was going to find out eventually, better now than later, some may say. But why do I care? Why does it matter to me?

Don't you just hate it when you care? My initial reaction was blank and plain, and as I had expected neutral. Then I guess it hit me. Without a warning. Like a gigantic life-threatening lightning bolt striking in the plain sky canvas, marking the beginning of a dark rainy era. The words finally reached me and sank in. Took a while, really. But once it sank in, it drowned me. My careless side with a short attention span diminished. My thoughts refused to float away from the absolutely minor issue. Can't really say the whole thing kept on crossing my mind, because it never actually left. It was an unfamiliar place where I cared about the things I shouldn't care about. Sort of lost the whole Switzerland thing I had going on. It really put more effect on me than I would have ever expected. It's like I'm turning into something I never aspired to be. I mentally took the situation and blew it out of proportion and allowed it to control me like a silent puppet master. I'm in a desperate need to dismiss these thoughts that circle my mind. Contemplating about such an insignificant fact is weak and simply foolish. Something I really don't understand.

Huh, blogging does allow thought ventilation.