FEAR

I was running. It was dark. As much as it scared me, I appreciated the lack of light that hid the stupid tears running down my face. My heart was racing. The beat every step my feet made competed with the pounding in my chest. My breath began to scatter, my lungs were freaking out, I coughed in the hopes that it would get rid of whatever was slowing my pace.
I saw figures on my right. They were blurred and by their drunken movements and steps, I could tell they weren't safe. Through their drunken whispers and their lack of ability to walk in a straight line, I knew I had to get away. I fought every tear, refusing to be drowned in the salty sea of weakness. I was confused. Lost.
The tears of pain could have been mistaken for tears of fear. Maybe I was trying to wrap the prior pain with the present fear. That way no one will ever know. Honestly, this fear did not have the ability to overtake the pain. But it was a good enough cover.
I continued to run away, escape from the strangers. This night was going to end fine. I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew safety would just be around the corner.
I caught the glimpse of company and safety. I saw the number plate. I ran faster and harder towards the vehicle. But it drove away, turning the corner. A blanket of relief fell upon me, I felt the lonely coldness slowly evaporate. But as I turned the corner and looked down the street, it was gone. The car was gone. I continued to run without purpose now, I just knew I had to appear like I had reason and destination. I turned back for a split second, hoping to see a familiar face or anything that didn't present itself coated with red danger. I saw a dark dislocated figure, his every step was filled with pain and his every movement was flawed. I couldn't help but turn around and stare at the terrible image that presented himself as a threat. I felt a rush. I'm not sure what it was. Adrenaline? Fear? Excitement? But whatever it was, with it I ran faster and the cold wind bruised my skin as I fought against its path. The wind resisted as hard as I resisted the tears falling down my face, like pathetic raindrops falling on a window.

Unjumble please

Everyone is lonely. We have to remember that life is to be lived one day at a time. You cannot worry about past or future. Happiness is in the now.

I want something that can't be defined. What happens when what you want is something you can never have? What do you do when what you want doesn't even exist?
I'm learning. The world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I stay and watch as my world breaks into shattered pieces. I stare at these broken edges piercing through my soul. Every single jagged piece is a painful reminder. And then I wonder, what is it that I'm waiting for? Because it isn't real. It can never be real.
Seasons are changing, waves are crashing, stars are falling and I know I will be okay, though my skies are turning grey.
I think I understand now. I think I want something beyond normal. I don't want a plain grey sky. Maybe I want to be a superhero maybe I'm afraid of reality. Reality burns it all. Reality kills the possibility of flying and staying young forever and ever like Peter Pan. I don't like plain reality. It's too boring. I need something more. Something else. My thoughts are everywhere, jumbled, hidden in an enormous find-a-word, or should I say find-a-thought. It's a damn mystery.
If only I knew. If only I truly understood. Everything is so vague that misunderstanding is inevitable to fall into. My thoughts are confused. I am confused.
I'm afraid what I want and what I'm waiting for only exists in my head. The unknown is exciting but terrifying when I have foolishly built vague ideas of what I want it to be. I'm so confused.
I'm stuck in this phase that goes nowhere and stands nowhere. What the hell am I hanging on to? I need to move forward and dodge everything that's pushing me back. Reality is like mud and I don't want to sink into it. I grab on to anything and everything, refusing to accept the limits of reality. I want more than reality can give me.
For now, I'll run away, far away from reality.

Good Morning & Goodbye

Every show has to end. Every drama has an ending but it's not always dramatic. Truth be told, I like drama it makes life and reality interesting but I know better than to hang on to a rope that is falling apart. Hanging on to this rope I have depended on for a long time will only cause painful rope burns that will cut deep. I won't let it get to that point.
Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a word we use when we're in temporary ecstasy. But when you wake up in the morning forever becomes a foolish term. When we were young kids we used to engrave everywhere "FRIENDS 4EVA" and "I LOVE YOU FOREVER!" did we mean it? Maybe some people really did mean it but did whatever it was last forever? No. Not even close. Maybe when we were young, we didn't understand that forever was longer than a couple of minutes, hours or days. Forever represents.. false hope.
I'm at the point where I'm over it all. Over everything. I'm done. Finished. I don't care anymore.
I'm starting new, starting fresh. Beginning a new beginning saying goodbye to history. I'm not the type of person to live on memories, I'd rather turn the page.
Memories are nice and all, but they're not enough, seriously. Living on memories is stupid. I'm not looking back. I'm done with the casualties. No more. That's it.
No more thinking, no more remembering. I'm leaving the past where it belongs. You can't expect me to live on those single moments because I seriously can't and I seriously won't. Yeah sure, you can drive me freaking crazy sometimes. But it's not always the good crazy. I used to pretend a lot of things. I used to pretend like none of it killed me. But the truth is, I think I died every time I saw. I wish it was my imagination. And so the best remedy would be to forget it all, forget the stupid freaking past. I'm not wasting anymore time. No more wrong distractions. I'm not gonna remember you. And I hope it gives you hell.
And I love beginnings and you need an ending for a beginning. I'm not carrying any luggage to this new world. This new world I'm creating. No interference this time. I'm done. Finished. Over it. This new beginning marks the ending of you.

Today's Horoscope

12th July 2009

"You are as restless as the tides today; your feelings wash one way and then the other. Meanwhile, your thoughts are all over the map, even though you can make yourself appear as if you are not moving at all. Don't hide your need for variety now. Admit that you aren't ready yet to make final choices and keep your options open for a while longer."

I love how they explain everything..

Uninvited Hate

I'll never understand.. maybe it's best that way.. maybe it's best to stand in between the two extremes. Fantasy and reality.
I'm scared. It's true.
I've known this road for too long and the end is too far for focusing. I had a funeral and I buried your memory..but you're like a freaking zombie showing up uninvited back into my life when I was so sure I was done. I mentally disposed you..but you're unbreakable, came back when I least expected it. Hit you with a shovel, thought you were unconscious. Scared. I stayed back to see if you were okay..eyes closed you grabbed my hand. Breathless. You were dead, now you're alive. Why do you always do that? I made you invisible, so the pain wouldn't be so apparent. You always show up uninvited, but you might as well stay..
I thought when you bury something, it'd disappear, I thought if I mentally buried you, you'd be gone. But you're not fading..and I'm failing.
I killed you out of my story but something went terribly wrong. Maybe the one hundred bullets through you weren't enough. You're supposed to be out and gone, you should have expired by now. Your time should be up. But you have this thing..maybe it's your magic that keeps you alive in this story.
What do I have to do to keep you out..to keep you dead to me. What do I have to do to actually mean it..? Because I know I don't..and it sucks to admit it. And it sucks to know it.
You're too damn invincible, and I hate it. Never again. Could have sworn I said, never again a couple hundred times already. I'm not learning. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of liking this feeling. I said never again. I hate the nights. I hate the mornings. I know it sounds so selfish but I can't help but think. I hate myself for the way I feel about you every time. I've had enough. I hate the fact that I reached the point of getting sick and tired of this rollercoaster ride. What happen? I used to love rollercoaster rides, until you came around. I'm sick of wishing you were around me everyday every night it's way too much..it's stupid and selfish. It drives me crazy, I'll never understand. I hate it when you're around me..and the only thing I hate most is the fact that I don't.