Uninvited Hate

I'll never understand.. maybe it's best that way.. maybe it's best to stand in between the two extremes. Fantasy and reality.
I'm scared. It's true.
I've known this road for too long and the end is too far for focusing. I had a funeral and I buried your memory..but you're like a freaking zombie showing up uninvited back into my life when I was so sure I was done. I mentally disposed you..but you're unbreakable, came back when I least expected it. Hit you with a shovel, thought you were unconscious. Scared. I stayed back to see if you were okay..eyes closed you grabbed my hand. Breathless. You were dead, now you're alive. Why do you always do that? I made you invisible, so the pain wouldn't be so apparent. You always show up uninvited, but you might as well stay..
I thought when you bury something, it'd disappear, I thought if I mentally buried you, you'd be gone. But you're not fading..and I'm failing.
I killed you out of my story but something went terribly wrong. Maybe the one hundred bullets through you weren't enough. You're supposed to be out and gone, you should have expired by now. Your time should be up. But you have this thing..maybe it's your magic that keeps you alive in this story.
What do I have to do to keep you out..to keep you dead to me. What do I have to do to actually mean it..? Because I know I don't..and it sucks to admit it. And it sucks to know it.
You're too damn invincible, and I hate it. Never again. Could have sworn I said, never again a couple hundred times already. I'm not learning. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of liking this feeling. I said never again. I hate the nights. I hate the mornings. I know it sounds so selfish but I can't help but think. I hate myself for the way I feel about you every time. I've had enough. I hate the fact that I reached the point of getting sick and tired of this rollercoaster ride. What happen? I used to love rollercoaster rides, until you came around. I'm sick of wishing you were around me everyday every night it's way too much..it's stupid and selfish. It drives me crazy, I'll never understand. I hate it when you're around me..and the only thing I hate most is the fact that I don't.