Burn Me

The fact that I find such sensation in this excruciating frustration is chronically problematic.

My misleading imagination will guide me to my own destruction. It feels like I'm seeing things that lack clarity. It's quite miserably foolish of me to perceive actions in such an immature manner and this perception makes little to no sense. If I allow this to continue without further instruction I will be leaving a ferocious fire unattended. In the end I will be the liar and victim of the lies. I have unknowingly created a fake reality that has irrationally avoided logic screaming in the background. This will eventually burn me. The fact that I created this scene makes me consider the impossible concept of a part of me desiring such a lie. The misconception that I have deluded myself into will draw me to instability. A lack of balance. Where point and reason is beyond blurred. My rationality will be shattered if it hasn't already reached the state of deterioration. I wish not to have a perception that visualises an episode that is non-existent.

Storm

Dark and refreshingly drowning,
The sky canvas takes new colouring,
Ever so quick it is painted,
The used-to-be clear sky is tainted,
The rain pours marking the beginning,
And it carries varied meaning,
To some it will bring energizing growth,
To others it is another thing to loathe,
It may wash away the fear and pain,
Dissolving a life's troubling stain,
While clarity is drenched and bent,
Deterioration is paused in the moment,
Some drops may freely fall with grace,
Others pound disguising it as a race,
They stomp and splat on the bored floor,
Following every drop and strand comes more,
Then there are the unforgettable wingmen,
Never left behind in the concealed den,
They are the conspicuous echo and shadow,
Chasing and screaming creating a flow,
One brings the exquisite flicker,
Spontaneously random like a trickster,
Lighting up to seek attention,
It glows tickling away distraction,
Coming out to play momentarily,
Stunning the audience incredibly,
Then it shies away after the brightness,
Disappearing in the incredulous darkness,
On the other end fighting for alpha,
Is the inconstant heartbeat of the era,
It builds up a roar of intensity,
For making people jump it is guilty,
Displaying passion in a flaunty manner,
Hitting the auditory sense harder than a hammer,
The pair driven by force wrestles and argues,
With frequent comebacks with no breakthrough,
As one takes over the sky,
The other begins to cry,
There is not an end to this unavailing dispute,
Neither is prepared to give a final salute,
Our senses are tingled with these extremities,
The burning shine gives our slight vision a tease,
The long isolated strike triggers sensation,
While the wet drizzle sprays in this tension,
The invigoration touches us,
Then the dazzling gleam enters campus,
As the miraculous sprinkle gets to finishing,
It marks the end of the beginning,
Releasing the previous anchor,
The new vibrant colours reveal a new chapter.

Not now.

Why is everything excruciatingly more appealing at such a despairing time? Bleak and boring details seem to be highlighted at the moment I wish them not to be. I dread the way these normally avoidable minor things scream and shout directing my attention at them. They have the worst timing in the history of timings, selecting the single moment I am swimming within the strongest waves of reality and barely surviving through the tempest. I am personally not regulated to be surrounded by aspects with traits that are incredibly enticing. The constant tease slowly and painfully crushes me as I know I must push, making an apparent distance in between. They chose the absolute worst point to drive up the intensity that used to be nonexistent. Things that used to flow with normality shimmer in the plains. However, I must refuse to give in as this is the wrong time. Any other time, perhaps before or after this period, I may allow myself to give in to the such attractions. But not now.

Incoming 2009 means farewell year 9

We are gradually approaching 2009 and as we live our carefree lives for a few more weeks we must bid year 9 and the year 2008 farewell. No rewinds and no second times, this is it. This year is over. Many will look back and blame their circumstances on fate or bad luck but reminiscing with a negative tint over their perspective will bring nothing but regret. We are foolish to magnify minor disintegrating details of our past and allow it to linger with us in the present. What's done is done. Remember the good times and forget the bad. There's no need to hold and grip on to unpleasant things. We should make the most of now. The past does not matter. The future does not matter. Because we don't live in those places.
Like the turtle said in Kung Fu Panda: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"
They say we don't recognise the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We are blinded and too satisfied and often without realising we grow to be satisfied with being constantly unsatisfied. We tend to take things for granted only realising the worth of it when it has been taken away from us. Then the realisation bashes you and wakes you up from a sleep you don't even remember falling into. Like Sleeping Beauty you initially wake up unaware. And then you realise how much you needed and depended on it and how you love it.
Childhood. Saying goodbye to ninth grade is like saying goodbye to childhood. A place and time where things aren't serious and plainly simple. But the unfortunate truth is: we are growing up. As much as I wish I was Peter Pan, I find myself slightly excited for the future. The unknown brings ecstasy. Completely overwhelming and a mystery I am strangely delighted to see unfold. The future. So many questions and all the answers lie down the road of life waiting for our steps that will bring them to reality. Things will be different, that is for sure but how different? We'll just have to see. But a part of me wants to cling on to this year. I think I am too content with the present and a seed of uncertainty has been planted and it grows fear within me. A part of me fears the future yet another part anticipates for it. Contradicting, huh?

I've given up on giving up slowly

I'm getting all the confirmation that I asked for. And only now do I realise how much this truth strikes me like lightning. It gets me thinking about how much I actually wanted myself to be proven wrong. I wanted the truth. But I should have realised I couldn't handle the truth. It's such a weak feeling knowing that I'd rather be comforted and wrapped around lies than face reality straight on. Like a shredded cloth, this cause is pointless. Perhaps at one point I believed in this deceiving cloth. But my vision is no longer blurred and what I see, is a torn apart cloth with no use and a bin around the corner screaming home. Even if it's ripped all over and stained to the extent of no going back, I can't help but want to keep it. Hoping that one day it will mend itself. But I need to dispose the cloth and these thoughts that linger. It's presence only disintegrates my mental well being.

Worlds Apart

The distance is unmeasurable almost non-existent. A space that cannot be translated into digits or descriptions of clarity. Yet its distance is unbearably noticeable. As much as I try to seep the facts into deep holes, the dead fish of truth floats to the surface. I do understand and I do know, now. Would I want the story to be told differently? Would I want to edit out and in some characters? Probably not. Am I content with the truth? No. But the weirder thing is, I wouldn't want it any other way. Or, I just can't see it any other way. My imagination disintegrates at the pinch of this subject. Things are the way they are and I wouldn't want to see it another way. Any other way, wouldn't make sense. This already doesn't seem real, any more would only delude me, tossing me into crazy people land. I guess there's only so much I can take. And I say that for both sides.
Do I want to close this distance? Yes and no. Or should I say yes to an extent. I don't think closing the distance will settle me internally because "ILLOGICAL" will be racing across my mind if it were to. It just wouldn't make any sense. I should push away and escape the bounds I unknowingly created. I should break it before the cement dries, before any more building occurs. I guess that's what I should do. But most probably not what I am going to do.
I don't think I will be able to handle anything other than this current state. Nothing more, nothing less. Distance is good. More like I'll learn to know it as good.
"I just feel like we're in the same room, but we live in two worlds apart." - NLT

Gemini Overview: November 23, 2008

"You don't usually get lost in thought. Navigating the mental and social realms comes naturally to you. Today, though, you may get stuck on something that you can't let go of easily."

Emotional affairs are swamps

We're all familiarised with the fairytale saying, "Don't play in the woods" right? Woods are like forests, right? And forests are like swamps, yes? So then, woods are like swamps? Doesn't make sense? Well fine, whatever. Makes sense to me :D.. Not really, but screw that. Well back to the point, as woods are similar to swamps, I could say, "Don't play in the swamps" yeah? May not have much clarity, but I figured a bit of fairytale can be the back support for my thoughts.

Emotional affairs are swamps.

Dark, deep, damp, dangerous, murky, blinding and feared they are. Occasionally it is too easy to find ourselves in these swamps. Perhaps we don't find them, they find us. The dirty smothering towering trees surround us blocking the sunlight of logic. From the outside they may be intriguing and tempting but we are fooled. Fooled like Little Red Riding Hood. Once we are in, we give the Big Bad Wolf a chance to consume us. Who we once were, no longer matters, the pitch black tint in these swamps takes no notice, killing all what we once stood for. When we think of swamps we think of unpleasant, icky wetness.
Define: Swamps
A place where the land is always wet
For some people, the wetness may represent the tears that flood. But I don't think so. I think the wetness pinpoints the heaviness of emotional affairs. No matter where you wander in the swamps the wetness follows you. Because the fact is, the wetness is everywhere in a swamp. In an emotional affair, like a swamp the feel of something clingy is there, sticky and gluey. Sticking to you, not letting go. When you try to pull away from the gluey matter at first it may seem like finally an escape is within reach, however give it a few, and the presence of the elastic aspect will come to surface. Like a rubber band it slams back at you. Reality then hits you. You are stuck. Stuck in the swamp. Suffocating.
Like swamps, emotional affairs are packed of vicious, gruesome things that bite you and drag you down. As you wander your way through the suffocating land you trip and fall, struggling to pull your feet out of the murky grittiness. There is no freedom, there is no light.
Your life is strangled out of you, sucking out all the space you once had. In the swamp you are prone to diseases with no way out, you are stuck. Your feet have sunk in the ground, you are trapped. The swamp is too deep, the clearing where the rays of light screaming freedom is out of sight. No where near. Or perhaps you're just blinded. As you wander deeper into the swamp the more danger you face, more ferocity appears. Run away.. you can try. But remember, in a swamp the wetness is everywhere. When you dive into the river the grotesque substances are barely noticeable at first but when you swim and foolishly push deeper the suffocation intensifies, becoming unbearable. In conclusion, in my book, the most dominating characteristic of emotional affairs is swampy.

My Surfer's Sunset

If I was a surfer, you'd be the sunset.
I come for the tides that relieve my day to day frustrations and my reality. The therapeutic waves crush the memories imprinted in me, stealing my complete attention for the little time I have in the mesmerizing consuming water. This moment I have anticipated for hits me, once my bored bare feet enter my personal water world. The water is filled with endless vibrant chatter. As all the waves meet, they converse on the details and events that have occurred before their longed for reunion. With enthusiasm some waves strike my ears with their intense roars imitating bloodthirsty tigers chasing their terrified, defenceless prey. I come for all of this. The social world of this sea. The excitement and glee the waves provide me with, as my board of life collides with each and every one of them. But mentally there is a vague and brief fading image that largely contributes to the reason why I come to "ride" the wavefront. The sunset.
The breathtaking sight intoxicates me, chasing away all my thoughts before that moment. That moment when my eyes meet the dark vibrant colours spreading across the sky with the appealingly intense circular light in the centre. It stops my world. Briefly becoming the centre, through my subjective perception leaving my proactive ways I enter the reactive atmosphere. The endless chatter of the waves seemingly fade or perhaps I simply am too distracted to notice. Distracted with the bright shiny thing that I waited so long for. It is like nothing in the world I have ever came across before. It is effortlessly attention grabbing so different from everything else. This intoxicating scene appears only at this moment and only here am I able to capture it. This exact place at this precise time allows me to collide with the sunset. As I mindlessly gaze at the unique view I briefly feel the closeness between the intangible object and I. It feels as though, finally our worlds collide. I ignore the impracticality of the concept as it is something that doesn't belong to the world I am too familiar with. It and its elusiveness doesn't belong in my logical world. At that moment it may feel so close, yet at the same time be so far. In fact out of this world. Standing at a point in the solar system and the distance is so far to the extent that it is unmeasurable. But logic is trapped outside at that moment, there are personal blocks I built without realisation in my mind. I am too dazed to consider the factual concepts. But like they say, every song ends. And as I return to reality I can't help but wait for next time...

Unidentified

Do you ever get that indescribable dagger-striking feeling? The one that seems to follow you like a plague without a cause? The feeling that sinks you to your deepest? It's the feeling that crushes and ruins you like a massive wreck ball. What it is, is beyond me. I don't have the slightest clue what it is exactly. Nor am I sure that I can describe this feeling that disintegrates me.
Do you ever feel lonely? Scratch that thought, lonely is way too much of broad term. Do you ever feel like you're alone in this world, but at the same time you know you aren't? It's as if you're fighting your own mental battles alone, which is what we're meant to do, I suppose. However it's more complicated than that. It's like those times when everything suddenly falls on top of you and you're more than somewhat flattened by the load that didn't seem to exist before that moment. Perhaps it's more likes a build up, and the more you ponder on the concept it kills you more. Magnifying the undesirable thoughts. It's not loneliness. It's more like loneliness is one of the side effects.
I'm quite incapable of deciphering this mystery. It's like poison. Or well, it poisons your world. Or should I say your perspective. It seems to drag out the worst in things. It's as if everything becomes tinted with darkness and murkiness. Confusing.
Like you feel like it's only you in this world, and by that, I don't mean that it's an egocentric feeling. It's more so like you're facing the whole world alone. As in there's no one to break your fall or someone to grab and hold on to with your tightest grips. As in the feeling causes you to question where you are. Who you are. You know, how sometimes you just don't feel like yourself? It's like that. It in a way makes you question what matters. It has the power to intensify the negativity in things making issues seem larger than they actually are. It creates a puzzle and you simply don't have the pieces to it. And you are forced to stare at the incompleteness. It's a scattered feeling, completely elusive. It blurs all meaning in the world, making you squint and once again try to decode all the points in life. But then again, is there a point to life? The feeling makes you unwillingly rewind all the depressing moments of your day or week, whichever. Instead of focusing on the good points it reminds of your darkest moments. Your fears. It makes you want to hide in your own nutshell. Closing the door, locking out the outside world. Yet instead of feeling safe and comforted in your own walls, you feel more, vulnerable. Yes that's the word. Vulnerable. The feelings make you feel all the insecurities. Building them all up and then at these times the explosion occurs. No. The implosion occurs. And it's nothing that is loud or conspicuous, really. Yet it's real noticeable and obvious to you, perhaps it's even immediate.
Can't shake this feeling off.

Beyond our own world

"Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and found a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder, how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of
people's lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dream died? Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were
somehow destined to be there? Just think. You could be a big part of someone's life and not even know it."

Every life, every being is something to someone. No one on the face of Earth is meaningless we all have marks on others, good or bad. Our pure existence has impacts on others, to some we may be significant, the centre through their eyes however in others we may mean very little, a background wall flower. But to say someone is nobody it is wrong. Inaccurate from all corners. Strangers in our backgrounds are not strangers to others although they may not directly be a part of our world yet, somehow and somewhere our worlds may collide. Our world is small, small in the sense that it is unmeasurable. Like a small pond everything in the world interconnects a simple ripple by one being, affects many directly, consequently others further from the initial point will experience the waves large or small. The effects may be fortunate or it may crash our world depending where and how we stand in this pond of the world. In the end the devastating flame of pain or the well-waited-for flame of beauty will reach us regardless of our distance from the ignition. Everything matters.
Everything we do. Everything we say. Matters.
The way we treat others matter, our words of kindness or our words that burn with brutality. All our actions have consequences, it may harm or boost others. We all matter. Someone once said, "..bitterness poisons the people around you"
But some may say it is inevitable, but there is no truth to those words. At times we are controlled by our emotions and we may be feeling like we're the one suffering and filled with hurt and hate so we unleash and burst at others. An unhealthy way to relieve anger.
We can unintentionally spill the poisonous anger and pain on to others allowing others to be infected with the disease of hurt. It can be easy to forget others are capable of suffering it is way too easy to be egocentric. As we live in our world. Being the main character in our story of life, our thoughts revolve around ourselves, our wants, our needs. In our own world we are the hero/heroine or victim, making it difficult to realise we are not the only ones in the world. Not the only ones that matter.
Someone could be your everything, everything you ever wanted yet they may have no idea. Or you could mean the world to someone and you don't even know it. Everyone in our background, every minor character in our life is a someone to another. We don't realise this because we don't think beyond our world. We don't realise there is a world beyond our own. Nor do we realise there are greater pain and frustrations beyond the ones we suffer ourself.
It's a complicated concept to contemplate. Our loss is someone's win, our treasures is someone's trash. It's all perspective. We often fail to see beyond our own world.
The things we do, matter. We all carve imprints on to the world with everything we do.
"Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better, or worse."

Addicting

You are like a drug. A substance in my life that I should keep a distance with, yet knowing this fact, I unknowingly urge forward as if controlled through the pulls of magnetism. Like a drug you are illegal and wrong. Completely aware of the lack of legitimacy of the concept I fail to ignore and live through rationally. It's only human to want things and sometimes our desires are all wrong for us. Knowing this fact we reach forward for more. As strong and resistant we may pretend to be on the surface, behind our masks the sad reality is we are human. Humans that cave and eventually give in and accept defeat, pulling up the white flag. Like a drug when you reach me, change within me is inevitable occurring too naturally ignoring all mental blocks and walls I build. I am forced to sink into layers of mental battle and swim into the deep dark threatening ocean of confusion. The illegal substance slows the reaction of the victim and swipes the control. Like a drug you are the one thing that destroys me. Leaving the victim dazed and motionless, drugs take you away. Dazed. The word humours me.
Drugs take their innocent users away. Away from reality. Away from all that they have known. They drive you through waves and tides of intense sensation, provided from no where else. A confined new world the substance constructs within our minds, a perfect world. A world that does not exist. Like a drug you delude me. You're intoxicatingly elusive and unbearably cryptic.
You confuse me entirely, your remarks leads me into a mental room of confusion where I ponder alone upon the reasons and thoughts behind your words. Although you can frustrate me at times particularly at the times when you seem to be intentionally annoying me and yet at the same time completely amused, I can't get away. The intoxicating feeling you trigger in me is something I never want to let go. You are the one that lights that fire. Like drugs you change me temporarily although I am scarred, as your presence physically and mentally diminishes and deteriorates I am able to return to normality. Without you within contact and proximity I am able to escape your intense control over me and I have firm grips over it all. But as my drug comes into action it hits me like a gigantic life changing meteorite crashing into my plain perfectly dimensioned ball of life.
A drug has one most prominent characteristic. Addicting. Clicking on desire and want dragging out the weak in people. Overpowered and mesmerised by the ability of the breathtaking substance I am lost in thought. Why are people addicted to drugs? Knowing that it is evil, wrong and going against all morals people seem to do it anyway. Is it the concept of escape that intrigues us? Drugs seem to provide an escape. Escape from reality. We're all running to stand still. Victims crave the toxic, addicting substance that hides and covers reality, bringing a desired scene into view. Almost like the way I crave your presence.
I am in no state of preparation for your elimination. I simply can't, while you are a drug to me. A drug I am addicted to.

Unexplainable Actions

I dislike the insanity, difficult of definition you trigger within me.
The utmost weirdest, indescribable malfunctions occur within myself in your presence. I fail to understand the foolish comments and actions that I am supposedly controlling. Out of your proximity, I have grips on control, I have logic. I understand logic. Throughout my short life I have always personally made sense of everything, always having control. But this malfunction, that I have spent hours contemplating on still has no sense or reason. The existence of this malfunction has no purpose, it simply lurks and haunts my mind. This sense of attraction is shredding sheets of logic. You seem to unintentionally be crushing the commonality dragging my mind under the intensive waves into an unfamiliar scene. You defy the commonality in the life I have known. And you ask, why am I different in your presence? At the time my mind was fairly distant from reality and I didn't understand the concept myself in order to make you understand. Why am I different in your presence? Honestly, it is beyond being rational and in control. It didn't come to my realisation that it was obvious. I wasn't aware that you could read me so well. Perhaps my actions and ignorant comebacks sing my thoughts aloud, and damn, you were there to hear it.
Why don't we ever want things when they are right in front of us? Why don't we appreciate the presence of things and people when they are actually there? Why must we yearn for their presence when they are away? Again. We want the things we can't have. It's a terrifyingly complicated concept that I've been struggling to make sense of. Do we simply enjoy the frustration of confusion? Does this confusion have a certain mental appeal to us?
My glass of concentration completely disintegrates in your presence. It is no longer in my control. I use to have a handle on life until you broke it. The reality is, you are aware of this.
Perhaps the reason for your constant hovering and extra explanations is because you believe I have an attention span of a child (which I must admit is not at all wrong). It simply puzzles me how you can be so observant to pinpoint the second my thoughts wander out of the room. You seem to realise before I do.
Is it not confusing when the moment something or someone comes within your proximity your control over it all diminishes? Yet while a second earlier your view and world was intact and free from unclarity. It is as if these things or people possess something that blinds you. There are no definitions for these people, however personally I have one particular accurate description. Kleptomaniac. You steal my control frequently, more than I am capable of understanding.
"The way you stole my attention was flat out burglary" GCH
You are like a compulsive thief in the night, a kleptomaniac. You don't even realise what you're doing. I vanish between the lines of reality and am replaced by someone with nothing more than ignorant complaints. You steal my control.
He's a kleptomaniac, he'll steal away your control. You better check his pockets and wallet before someone gets hurt.
Is it psychological? Do we mentally turn off a switch in our mind? It is a confusing concept, one that I am unable to understand and explain. This concept makes a perfect rubix cube.
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire; The other is to gain it." - George Bernard Shaw

What I want and what I can't have are the same thing.

Like the selfish humans we are (or well I am) we want the forbidden things in life. The objects that obtain our attention are the ones that are beyond our reach. The further and further we reach for them our irrational affections intensifies. Is it the beauty of the impossibility that pulls us in? Perhaps the reality of the difficulty or impossibility of getting our egocentric hands on the certain something or somebody triggers an illogical inner rebellion.
This peculiar psychological concept in a sense can be translated and explained metaphorically. The forbidden fruit. In this world we, like Eve, are cruelly teased. In the world of games and competitions this "forbidden fruit" is something that slows us down, makes us run slower and leads us to an unknown scene leaving us to the dead end of confusion, wanting more. And more. Why is it that we find such intense appeal in the things we can't have? Is it in relation to the psychological and mental side of being human? This insane humanly trait of mine is the cause. The cause of me finding you frustratingly desirable.
It's the attraction of the idea that it is completely beyond possibility no matter which corner you may analyse from. Knowing no matter how much I may want, I can never have, makes it something that shines and shimmers incredibly. The value of it all increases. Perhaps in a different world the idea wouldn't be as absurd or impossible. But if this theory of mine were to be correct, wouldn't that mean the entire appeal you seem to hold would no longer exist or at least be not as strong? Deep inside we are foolish children driven by our immature instincts wanting the forbidden candy that is hidden on the top shelf while a completely legal whole bowl sits within our reach. The forbidden fruit effect makes it naturally difficult to resist. Imagine walking through a park and there are two apple trees present however one of them is fenced off. One is in easy reach whereas the other is proposing a challenge. Which one catches your attention? The plain ordinary tree that simply requires a light pluck? Or the enchanting, mysterious tree that has been purposely put out of your reach? I personally would be attracted to the caged tree. Our minds will have no choice but to speculate on the reasons why it is fenced off. In our minds we may delude ourselves in believing that those apples are more ripe, more scrumptious and better for sinking our teeth into. All this because we can't have it. Much earlier in time humans have had the desire to fly. Impossible. Why can't we accept the fact that we were destined to roam the grounds? Why must we be so intrigued by the idea of defying gravity? It goes against logic. The thing is we know we are unable to fly, deep inside this is a fact to us. Yet so many of us disapprove of this fact. After coming to the sad realisation that it is indeed not possible, we as humans created things that provide a similar sensation to flying, although artificial. As humans we have always wanted things we can't have and to do things that are beyond our capabilities. This entire concept may possibly be something personal. Perhaps I have to come to the conclusion that I have the inability to be satisfied with things that are easy and within reach. Perhaps I have to accept the fact that I want the things I can't have.
Desire is a simple concept. It basically is an irrational mortifying creature that can take you by the reins and drive you into deep waves of confusion.

A Fight

The next time you think of bringing anyone down, think. Being brutal, inconsiderate and to put it in one simple word.. mean, doesn't make the world a better place and doesn't humour anybody. Perhaps yourself.. but then you must be a monster. Haha.
Hurting the feelings of others is not an act that I believe should be encouraged in fact how thoughtless and heartless can you possibly be to be mean to others.
Depression is a serious issue, most of us toss this word around so carelessly but the fact is depression is not just a word to describe a temporary feeling of sadness we all as individuals suffer from occasionally. There are countless victims suffering from this severe mental illness that seems to be plaguing around us. Depression is usually triggered after major build ups of darkened thoughts and experiences and none of us should have to come to the point of depression. It is a lonely place, and none of you guys should ever have such a horrid experience. Not that I have had any personal experiences, despite what Ms Ross may suspect. HAHA!
I personally dislike the thought of people going through pain whether it be physical or mental, it just doesn't feel right. No one in this world should be lonely and no one should be ignored.
Tennessee Williams once wrote "When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone" I bet he was probably a decent friendly old man. Haha. I'd hate to think anyone I know is going through depression, it just isn't right.,
So be nice, and this world will be a nicer place to live in. (:

This elusive feeling is a fight,
It drowns me in a deep sea of tears,
The dark clouds shade me from the light,
My mental wheel it steers,
It is a conspicuous thief,
Robbing me of my joy,
Leaving me to the dead end of grief,
Its single motive is to destroy,
It haunts me every second,
Like a toxic insignificant ghost,
Prancing in my mind it beckoned,
Leading me as it’s the host,
Leading me to my own hell,
My own tunnel of darkness,
Where I am alone in the secluded nutshell,
I am its personal canvas,
All over it paints tragedy,
A despondent puppet I am,
With the silent beast controlling me,
Following like a mindless lamb,
I put on a devastating show,
My audience become more and more puzzled,
Like from the radiant Sun to lonesome Pluto,
I hear their far away murmurs all muffled,
These warm faint shadows try to reach me,
But I am in too deep,
Too deep in this pit so eerie,
All their bewildered eyes see me weep,
I try to reach the surface,
But the menacing tides disagree,
Pushing me below breathless,
In this mental forest of mine,
It is as dark as a graveyard,
Where no light can shine,
Here I have been scarred,
And here I learnt I am nothing,
It is my unstoppable deadly predator,
That causes my bleeding heart aching,
It strikes me like a dagger,
This elusive feeling is a fight,
And now I surrender,
I pull up a flag so white,
No longer can I be the prey to the predator,
And here I am with a bullet to my head,
My metal saviour will pierce through,
Shattering the pain imprinted glass I dread,
And it is death’s cue.

Don't you just hate it when you care?

The whole world spins with so much more ease when you refuse to care and bother with the minor details. Life was simpler when thoughts and emotions were kept at the surface. It was safer. But for some reason what if something manages to seep through the resistance or perhaps you experience a moment of weakness and let go of the reins of control. You begin to be dragged down below the surface to a bottomless pit where all you can do is ponder in the tunnel of darkness of your creation. While if you allow yourself to believe and trust, you elevate above the surface perhaps feeling more than you have ever dreamed possible. Feeling exceeding positivity gaining a pass into the world of perfection where rainbows dominate the pretty blue sky and the rabbits hop around on perfectly green grass, or whatever your perfect world may be. Well the point is this perfect world is only temporary. Before you know it this perfect picture of yours will disintegrate and shatter into millions and millions of pieces to the extent that the pieces are no longer visible and no evidence of your perfect world can be seen through your eyes and perspective. It is just like when you finally get your moment of peace and ease on the rollercoaster everything falls down dragging you along with the mess. And you really have no say in what happens and all you can do.. is, scream! haha
It's like greenhouse gases, it has to be at the right level if you let is go too high then you are in a load of trouble. But without it at all our world would be a terrible cold place. Haha, that's what happens when you study for science.

They say it's better off not knowing, and I guess it is safer it keeps you at the surface I mean ignorance is bliss, right? But personally, I like to know things, as much as the truth may strike like a dagger, okay that was a total exaggeration, but you get the drill. As a complete third person outsider, it isn't logical to care about such an issue or the person for that matter. There was no initial shock, I guess a part of me knew the truth well suspected it at the least. Yet a larger overruling part of myself refused to accept the fact and ignored all the obvious signs. Forcing myself to believe my own lies. It is simply beyond logic for this to remain in my mind. I told myself long before that this was nothing of depth. And it was nothing more than curiosity. And damn, don't they say curiosity killed the cat? Pure curiosity, I still believe that is all there was to it. Curiosity of this odd character in this boring world that was it. From the beginning, a part of myself knew you weren't like any other and of course you proved my theory correct. The character you played was.. the only word even close to the description, is well.. different. Like no other. Not what I have known and have grown use to. Perhaps you were like a colour that simply differed to the usual world that screamed bleak and grey. And then the truth was revealed, well I was going to find out eventually, better now than later, some may say. But why do I care? Why does it matter to me?

Don't you just hate it when you care? My initial reaction was blank and plain, and as I had expected neutral. Then I guess it hit me. Without a warning. Like a gigantic life-threatening lightning bolt striking in the plain sky canvas, marking the beginning of a dark rainy era. The words finally reached me and sank in. Took a while, really. But once it sank in, it drowned me. My careless side with a short attention span diminished. My thoughts refused to float away from the absolutely minor issue. Can't really say the whole thing kept on crossing my mind, because it never actually left. It was an unfamiliar place where I cared about the things I shouldn't care about. Sort of lost the whole Switzerland thing I had going on. It really put more effect on me than I would have ever expected. It's like I'm turning into something I never aspired to be. I mentally took the situation and blew it out of proportion and allowed it to control me like a silent puppet master. I'm in a desperate need to dismiss these thoughts that circle my mind. Contemplating about such an insignificant fact is weak and simply foolish. Something I really don't understand.

Huh, blogging does allow thought ventilation.