Evolve

As we evolve we tend to change something external to mark our evolution. People may change their style or their hair colour or their name or their city or even their country. I mark it with a new blog: Pathofwendyla.blogspot.com.au :)

Walls

The walls around me are falling and I'm fighting to keep them up. It's an invasion. My provisions aren't ready, I'm not ready. I've dedicated so much of my life to building these walls that keep the outside, out. I don't have soldiers yet, this wall is all I have. It's my only protector. But it's beginning to break into a million pieces. The depletion of my walls will allow the enemy to take me down. Then I wonder what they can they possibly do. With my walls gone, I have nothing. These walls are all I have.

Fantasy

Where do you draw the line between reality and fantasy? The two worlds have blurred and I can't escape either because I don't know where I am. I don't know what path I am on or where I am heading to. I'm walking with a neutral stride hoping to find reason on this indistinct path.
I've been dreaming up my own world. A world that doesn't exist. Reality has become so dissatisfying and demanding that I've unknowingly created an unhealthy outlet. A place where my worries are far, fleeting and forgotten. What is reality? Isn't my world my reality?

There are things I want but I'm unable to acknowledge what these things are. There's a puzzle to solve but the pieces are too scattered and too invisible. There's a problem and there's a question but I don't understand it and I don't have the answers. I stare at it like a taunting math problem that glares back at me I become intimidated by an illusion of my own creation.

Confused. Lost. Like a baby in water, swirming in the foreign environment unable to comprehend the coldness wrapping its body. It screams and cries to draw attention and to express the discomfort even though familiar arms are hugging its body keeping it secure. The sense of familiarity is not enough, the water is suffocating and irritating the skin.

I need out.

The person I once knew died in you.

Somewhere inside of your rock solid exterior is that person I once knew. I desperately want that person back like a distressed owner missing his dog, like a lost dog missing his owner, like a lover missing his lover, like a tree missing its leaves. I feel like the train left without me and now you've transformed into a monster and the connection is fleeting, if not already gone. They say we select the birghtest and darkest moments of our lives and call it memory. I have only memories of you at the best and memories of you at your worst. That amazing person is no longer alive. As these memories evanesce, you'll be a forgotten character.

Illusion

The transparency in their expressions. The simple discolouration in their eyes made it clear. Their disgruntled faces expressed the thorough disappointment. Empty promises. They are victims of empty words. They placed undeserving trust into these deceptive strangers. They arrived with great expectations and will leave with bitter disappointment. They fell in foolish love with the words and descriptions that formed an image of beauty. They became obsessed with this embroidered concept that held a mask which they fell irrevocably for. They heard stories about this place, amazing stories about how lives were changed and frowns rearranged. They headed off on a journey that was supposed to cure their sorrows and longing better than anything the pharmaceutical industry could provide. They deeply believed that this place would change everything that they once knew. Their life lacked meaning, colour and happiness. This place was pure illusion. The world is deceiving. False hope can sometimes be the only thing to drive human hunger and passion.

Most people are other people.

People so often succumb to their desires of being someone they admire. They become someone else. People who have known them prior to this alteration are left confused as an individual has died. Gone forever. Doomed to be another carbon copy.

Never.

He once meant everything. I admired. I was swept off my feet. I flew. I was in a beautiful place. It felt like a dream. Maybe it was. But I’ve woken up. I’ve realised it will never be. It can never be.

Step back...

Sometimes you don't realise what you have and what you don't have until you step back and take a look at the whole picture.
Many people focus on the pain they feel and they allow their own cruel insecurities to drown them. Sometimes it's due to the simple fact that they don't know any better. But in some cases, people love to victimise themselves. I've noticed this recently.
Pain. It's everywhere. Easily caused. Physical pain heals with time and medication. But that pain you feel inside, it's more complex. Philosophers and writers etch their ideas into paper and minds about pain.

"No one can hurt you without your consent"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

It's true. You choose to feel the pain. You choose to surrender.
You can choose to dodge and seek shelter from the bullets of reality. You can refuse to feel the emotions. But in a way it is easier to give up and succumb to circumstances. It's easier than to fight back. Fight back with every ounce of your being. Fight against the wind that pushes you into the deep ocean. Fighting requires effort.
I promise myself that I will fight. I will fight against the tides, the wind and the storms that will arrive. And I will survive.

Gratitude.

There are so many things to be thankful for in this world.
We live our daily lives blinded of the simply miracles and beauty of life.
I'm thankful for my family and my friends. I'm thankful for the life I have.
Everything is beautiful if you look at it the right way.

Rough.

When things get rough and you find yourself in the middle of one of life's storms you have to hold on. Hold on to hope.
I can't expect others to be there for me. It's my life, my problems and my insecurities. I've got to fight my own battles. I've got to make my own mistakes.
I've been fooled. But I won't make the same mistakes again.

Because.

I don't want to know you. Because I know you'll let me down. I know you're not who I think you are. I'm taking the steps back, rewinding and erasing the beginning. I'll blur the first few chapters that have led to this point.
I won't know you. I'll end our acquanitance short and quick. I'll cut it off like a piece of string and switch it off like a light switch.
We'll go back to how things used to be. Because I don't want to know you. I don't want to be disappointed.

Hello 16.

I'm reflecting back on my day and I have small snippets that replay in my head. It's like a broken record. I thought it was going to be different and it played out differently in my head. Things are different now but I did expect our years of friendship to mean something more than a few words and one glance. But it's all good. The gust of reality brings shivers to my soul. But it's good. It's real.

Mother. I miss you. I woke this morning realising I was alone. I know you'll be back soon but you missed my birthday. You missed my 16th birthday. I don't blame you.
I was afraid to ask for you to be back by my birthday. But I couldn't. You're visiting your own mother and I won't go in between. I'm sitting here with the last few seconds of my birthday and all I want is one single hug. One single moment with you.

And now my birthday is over.

Goodbye 15.

I'm turning 16 tomorrow.
I'm neither happy or sad. My feelings are neutral. I feel like I should be feeling something more. Excitement? Dread? It really just feels like any other day and any other night.
This may be the first year I'm not excited.

I won't ask for much this year.

I don't have any special birthday wishes. This year will not be special, I know that as a fact. Mother's not around this year. My first ever birthday without her and it feels like parts of my soul are missing. Leaving me again with that hollow and empty feeling that I've grown used to.
I remember how I used to count down the hours and minutes. But this year, I really don't have anything to look forward to. It's just another Saturday.
So goodbye 15.

?

Life doesn't always go my way. I know someday my time will come. Everything will make sense one day. I will figure out who I truly am, what I can do and what I want to do.
For now, I'm lost. At a crossroad, confused, please give me a map. And a compass.. Sure, I won't know how to use it but at least it'll look like I'm doing something. Finding that something that is unidentified. At least I'll look productive.
It almost feels like a cyclone has taken everything away. But I'm still caught in the middle of it watching everything fade. But what is everything? Was it all my mine? Was it ever?
There has to be something else out there that will give me purpose, give me reason. I used to hold the reigns but then I loosened my grips and now I've lost all control.
Maybe someday I'll figure it all out. Maybe someday I'll find the pieces. Maybe someday I'll put the broken puzzle of my life together.

You make me better.

You're that force and that push that makes me better. You make me work harder. You make me stronger. I appreciate it. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for understanding me.
For making me better, I want to say, thank you.

I need it.

When things get rough, you just have to get by. When things don't make sense, you've just got to push forward. There's no point in asking questions. Lately, I ponder in my mental world on a daily basis behind the smokescreens of conversations. But I'm not going to pause anymore. I'm going to move forward, be who I am. I can't restrain it anymore. I'm going to do what I do. I'm not the type of person to stay put. I'm not the type of person to be nailed down by people or circumstances. I've been trying.
But now I'm going to do what I do, going with the flow and moving forward. I won't stop for anyone or anything. Because that's the only way I know. It's the only way I can live. There's no backing down now.
I can't live life on pause. I just can't do it, it's not me. It's not who I am. What's living without mistakes? What's living without bruises and stupidity?
I've been trying so hard to keep everything on hold lately. Dragged myself down to reality and pinned my feet down to the solid ground, thinking it was for the best. But it's not me. I need the fast pace. I need the craziness. I need it all. It's like the substance that keeps me alive. The drug that makes me, me.

Someday.

I know that someday I'll make sense of it all. I know that someday I will find meaning, I will find myself. I will find where I belong. I know this deep down inside. Someday.

"At times I suffer from the strangest sense of detachment from myself and the world about me. I seem to watch it all from the outside from somewhere inconceivably remote, out of time, out of space, out of the stress and tragedy of it all."

Thank you.

Thanks to those who have hurt me, you've made me stronger. Thanks to those who have been there for me, you've made me realise the world isn't all bad. Thanks to those who care about me, you've made me warmer inside. Thanks to those who didn't believe in me, you made me work harder. Thanks to those who always supported me, you've made me believe in myself. Thanks to those who lied to me, I'm no longer gullible and stupid. Thanks to those who made me laugh, you remind me what happiness is. Thanks to those who left me, you've made me realise I'm better on my own.
Thanks to everyone who has entered my world, you've made me, me.


Thank you.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you’re a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you’re a vegetarian"

Reality.

I've never been the type to be nailed to the ground and have my feet and head focused on reality. I'm a dreamer. My dreams and fantasies burn the fire in my soul. But reality is the joy-kill shattering my dreamy glass of a world that doesn't exist. This world is fragile because it lives only in my head, no where else.
It may be the only substance in my life that keeps me going. It's the only fuel that keeps my engine running. I can't accept the restrictions of reality, I won't. I can't bear to believe that this is all there is. There has to be more. Surely this world can't be so grey and bleak. If only I could re-paint the world, edit it a bit, bring some life and action into it. Reality and normality is boring. I hate boring.
The sun comes up in the morning and the dark sky with the illuminating moon comes out at night. Everyday. It's the same old routine. Sometimes there's rain and thunder, it's something different but it fails to entertain. Like a poor puppet show that everyone runs away from, sheltering themselves from the disgrace. The wind often comes along to provide a bit of push, swaying the trees, giving lifts for kites but it does nothing to cause a new emotion, a difference. Instead, it's just another normal aspect of everyday life. I need that extra boost. That extra spark to light up my sky. Nothing solid offers that, so I continue to live in the world that I've mentally built.

Thursday.

This is the life I'm living. I've got to put a pause on everything else, I can't want. The things I want have got to wait. Staying focused is what I have to do. Everyday, I drill it into my head as if the words are screws. It keeps my head together, keeping my life together. Places to be, people to see. No. I've got to figure this out before I leave.
I want to ignore these responsibilities badly. But I can't and I won't. This time, I'm really trying. Trying to make things right.
Schedules filling up. I just want to escape. Is that so much to ask? Live a day without having to be somewhere important, having to do something. I miss those careless days, been a rebel for too long. I've got to face up to responsibility now. Can't live the way I've been living. I'll miss those days. But for now I've got to keep my head up high and iron my life out. Sure, I'll be distracted a lot of the time, but I can't help that. Just have to keep reminding myself that I've got things to do and places to be. It'll be hard, I know, the heat of it all will get to me. I'm sure I'll burn with frustration but this is what I have to do.

Missing.

He was missing something. Something indescribable. Was it a feeling? Was it a possession? All he knew was that his life was incomplete.
It was only lately that he had been feeling odd, out of place and just not right. People said he had it all, the LA mansion, the rich business family and the most expensive car on the block. Not to mention that he was "Mr Popular". He was the guy the girls yearned to be with, and the guy every other guy wanted to be. So it didn't make sense for him to feel this way. Friends surrounded him every second of his days, he was never alone. Yet he felt lonely.
He had spent the entire day helping his dad at their family's car dealer. Exhausted. But he never complained, never sighed and never showed a single tinge of annoyance. He always did as he was told, not because of fear but because that was who he was. Never the complainer, always the hard-working, busy bee willing to help everyone.
And he had been happy. So he thought.
Life felt bleak, grey and suddenly seemed to lack meaning. He wasn't sure what brought this all on, but the more he tried to push the darkness over, the more he thought about it. So the thoughts and feelings drowned him. He sunk in them, not understanding.
At the annual country fair, he was surrounded by his friends and as they smiled and laughed, he tried his best to plaster a fake smile on his own face. Happiness was around him. But it wasn't something he felt. He glanced around noticing the young kids around him holding fluffy, sugar-filled, pink fairy floss. It shot his mind back to the past, his youth. Back in the day when he was 10, his family wasn't rich, merely surviving on bread and cheese. He recalled his mother digging through her wallet desperately to pay for fairy floss he had begged for at this fair seven years ago. He could picture her struggled face as she searched for two dollars in her old, rugged and torn bag. He could feel the embarrassment he had felt that moment. That was before. Now his mother could buy a whole fairy floss factory if she wanted to.
He had it all. So why was he feeling so low?
He could have anything he wanted, he could have a new car just like that, a new Ipod or a new television just like that.
But something was missing.
His senses began to go wild. Everything became loud, the laugher, the screams resembled shattering glass. His head spun and his sense of smell deepened as the sweet smell of candy mixed with the scent of hotdogs. It all became overwhelming. His sight began to blur, the sky darkened and faces began to dissolve. Something happened right there. He had no idea what but he was suddenly somewhere else. A familiar place. The smell of fresh paint filled the room, the smell, the orange colour of the small room seemed so familiar. It was a part of his past, a segment in his childhood memories.
His instinct forced him to walk into the kitchen, there were his parents, seven years ago. They were covered in paint holding paint brushes working away and sitting on the kitchen bench was himself, seven years ago. The little boy sat there watching his parents work their extra job. It was one of his parents' under the table jobs. He came over to sit next to his younger self, amazed. It was like a dream.
As he watched his parents' beautiful strokes that seemed so effortless he could sense that the young boy next to him was happy. Happy to spend a friday afternoon after school with his parents. Then his mother turned around and walked towards him. Could she see him? He thought to himself. But she didn't go to him, she went to the small boy, the him years ago. She smiled, a warm smile that would have melted a glacier and she said: "No matter how rich you get and no matter how much money you have, don't be blinded and always listen to your soul.."
Then bam. That was it. He was back into reality, it was like nothing had happen. He was there again with his friends walking around the fair. "Listen to your soul.." the words echoed in his mind. But he no longer felt anything. He felt no emotion. Just empty. What if he had no soul?

gotta live out my lessons..

time makes it all right.

Forever you will stay in my memory..

2009

I love 2009. It's been the best year. I will try my best to never forget this year, the people, the laughs, the cries and the memories. I can't believe it's reaching an end, I'll miss this year without a doubt. I've learnt so much through the weeks and months and I feel this year has changed me so much. Time changes people, it's inevitable. Each and every experience leaves footprints.. altering personalities. We change, according to people we meet, events we participate in, groups we associate with and emotions we fall to.
2009.. you were my lover and my best friend and I'm sad to see this relationship end. I feel sad knowing that you will be replaced soon. And I really hope that your friend 2010 will be as fun and memorable as you are.
I've laughed and smiled so much this year and I've cried and frowned quite a bit too but I'm stronger now. All is better now, I can feel the change. The stars have realigned and I'm changing the words and how they rhyme.. You will never know my pain, I replaced it with a smile that's on my face. 'Cause the things that used to get me down, I don't worry about them now and I threw it all away, it was time to make a change. No way am I going to be trapped inside of yeserday.
I'm ready for the new year, but for now I want to linger in the 2009 air. I've had so much fun, made so many memories and I wish that it didn't have to end but time isn't something you can argue with, it won't stop just because you want it to.
I've learnt so much this year, had so many life changing experiences and I appreciate everyone who was a part of my 2009, you've made me, me. I'm probably not the same person I was in 2008, I'm probably not the same person I was a month ago, possibly not the same person I was yesterday...but that's life. As long as I'm happy with who I am and where I am, it's all cool.
For 2010, things are going to get bigger and better, I can feel it. I can feel that 2010 is a year of more changes. I feel ready but I'm going to miss 2009.
I love my friends and family. They made this year special. They made this year fun, crazy, eventful and unforgettable.
Looking back at this year, I have minimal regrets. I'll take everything from this year, the good, the bad and everything in between.
I won't forget you, 2009.

Good and Bad

The good, the bad and everything in between. I take it all.

I've realised, in life there are good people and there are bad people. There are people who care about you and there are those people who don't. And I've realised, it's important to differentiate between the two. You've got to hang on to the people who matter, the people who care. The people who will be there for you not only when you're up but also when you're down. In this world, there are people who superficially care or temporarily care. Some may say these people are selfish and I guess in a way they are. But in a way, I just think that these people don't realise that.. what goes around comes around, you do somebody wrong for too long, it's gonna get done to you..cause 360, its coming right back to you.
So the way I see it, in life you shouldn't mistreat people, you shouldn't forget to care. You've gotta show it. You can't be selfish. Cause just like the way this world turns, you play the game that way and you'll get burned.
I can't exactly say I've lost someone in my life yet, and I'm glad. I won't ever play the game to lose anyone I care about. I'll hang on to the people who care and for those who don't I won't.
I've learnt that there are so many people out there who only treat you a certain way or do certain things because they get something out of it. There are people who only do things because it's convenient for them or they gain something from it. Some people in this world superficially build things which are obviously weak. These bridges and friendships lack stability because they weren't built on honesty and sincerity. In some cases they're built on greed.
And that's why I am the way I am. That's why I don't trust people easily. For me, trust is earnt. It's not like I have trust issues and reckon every stranger will kill me. I do trust people but the level of trust is brief. By trusting people and letting them in, you in a way give them the power to ruin you.. to hurt you.
Personally, too much dependency is weak.
I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
When you decide to depend on someone, for anything. You basically hand over a remote control of your emotions, of your life. Which isn't the way it should be. You shouldn't depend on someone to make you happy, you shouldn't allow someone to control your emotions. Even if they make you happy for a little while, accept that and remember your life is your own. You're the architect, the mayor, the controller. I know so many people who have been too dependent on another, and some still do. But I'll do it my way, that's what i say, promise myself.
And for sure, I'll be making mistakes, coming up at a loss, I'll be tumbling down but like MC shake it off.
Of course, we all reach low points in our life. Life's a rollercoaster. There are the high times and then there are the low times. Life's always changing. People are always changing.
These low times may seem so bad, you may feel like you're stuck in a rut but things get better. Days get better. You can pick yourself up. Independence is important. Emotions have to be controlled. Life has to be controlled.
But I've learnt that you have to remember to appreciate the people who are there for you through the good and bad times. That's why I love my friends, I would never deliberately hurt them. Because in this world, friendship is important. No one is supposed to be alone. No one should feel alone. Because that's not the way it should be. Never forget the people who matter. Never treat them like they're anything less.
I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough.
So there are people who don't genuinely care and these people aren't what you call genuine friends. I think for me, it's fine having people like these in your life but you just got to be careful about letting them come too close. These people come and go, they may stay with you when times are good and happy and drop and forget you when things get tough. I see so many things, I experience quite a few things and all of these things make me, me. I learn from them. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
There is good in everyone but some people just don't show that side. And there's nothing you can do about it. Just live your own life. And soon enough 360, it'll come right back to them.
But in this world there are good people, people who you can trust. People who you can depend on. These are the most important people in your life. I've learnt that there are those acquaintances in your life who are good, who care. Those people who you haven't seen in a while, who simply call you up just to see how you're going. These people make me smile. These people remind me of the good in this world. It reminds me that people care. And that there are people who aren't consumed by greed and aren't selfish. People who genuinely care exist. These people provide me with hope. They make me forget the poison.
There are always people who pollute your life. But then, there are people who provide the light and guide you out of the toxic air.

I have many worlds. Some bad. Some good. I take it all.

.....

I won't tell nobody.
I'll just scream it in my mind.

And so it gets dark, I get the feeling I'm falling with the darkness.
The nights are long..it feels like I'm barely breathing. It's just another storm, it's just another night, but nothing feels the same. The stars don't shine even when the night curtains fall.
I'm losing.

NO.

IM NEVER GONNA LET IT SHOW.

I can get through ANYTHING.

WORST TWO DAYS OF MY LIFE.
Went through Titanic, Ice Age and the Sahara desert. Freezing cold, blizzards and sandstorms. Survived.
I can finally say I've been through hell. Actually, that statement would be slightly misleading, because hell is hot, so I'll say: I've been through freezing hell.

Started the adventurous journey with my head held up high thinking only optimistic thoughts. Thinking that I was all ready, packed all my gear the night before, had my compass, first aid kit, rain gear, clothing, food and water all on me. I said to all my peers: "By the end of this hike, we will be changed people, we will be different and stronger!"
Well looking back, I was right. But I said that not knowing that waiting around the corner, over the metal, over the beaches, over the hills, over the mountains was a 10 hour storm. Little did I know that the worst night of my life was right around the corner.
It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Worst night of my life. Most physically enduring thing I've ever been through. But..I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna work harder. I feel changed. That experience changed my life. It may sound corny or cliche but it really did. It made me appreciate the little things in life, we normally take for granted like toilet paper, flushing toilets, dry clothes, dry beds, dry shoes, dry socks, food, concrete, solid walls that don't cave in, a roof that is stable and heaters. I love heaters.
I've been through the storm, I've been through the rain, suffered injuries, dealt with the pain. And now I'm a stronger person. I can get through ANYTHING!
I remember getting tired just walking from the ferry stop to the start of the trail. Walking through the roads like turtles with gigantic shells. Shells that were going to be drenched by the end of the night. I could already feel the pressure on my shoulders and on my hips. It killed. But that was just the beginning. I liked the weather in the beginning. It wasn't hot, it wasn't sunny, but the walking and hiking kept us warm. It wasn't wet either, I loved the breeze at the beginning, it felt refreshing. Our spirits were high, singing and laughing and playing games. But the clouds started to put frowns on our happy faces, rain started to trickle. It was simply sprinkling. And I said to everyone: "IT COULD BE WORSE!" with a smile and determination pasted on my face. We were all thinking positive, assuming that the rain would go away. "It could be worse.." Oh and it did get worse.
So we chucked on our ponchos and rain gear like the good troopers we were. I felt like I was wearing a plastic bag. We were like colourful turtles. I remember the hood of my gigantic plastic bag wouldn't stay on my head, and that was a pain. But that was nothing compared to that night.
Soon enough, my legs, shoulders and hips began to ache and I felt pain everywhere. But I kept going. My spirits were down and my head was no longer high, instead my head was kept down. I simply followed the footsteps in front of me. I didn't want to look up, I didn't want to look forward because it only brought my spirits lower with the sights of higher tracks, longer trails and uphill tracks. Looking down was the only way to avoid feeling worse. It was the only way I could keep going.
A life lesson I learnt after this hike is that in life, sometimes all you have to do is move forward. In cases like these, you don't have to look forward, but it is important to move forward. No looking back. This hike made me learn a lot of things, and that was one of the most important things I've learnt. My life has changed, I realise there is no mountain too high, no challenge too hard, for me to get passed. Life is full of challenges. All you have to do, is not give up and MOVE FORWARD.
On the side, I learnt a lot of other things like, next time, bring more socks, more rain gear and there is no need to depend on instant noodles when you can bring canned soup too!
There are so many things I remember, so many things that haunt me. The endless metal trip that literally made me trip. Before the groups parted, Mr Parker had told us that after we got through the long metal part we were going to be near our break. I remember seeing metal and cheering that the shiny metal was a sign, a sign that we were near. But I was wrong. It was a short metal trip, one of many. We had to get through countless mini metal roads till we finally got to the one we were waiting for, I mean, dreading. Metal was my enemy. I missed concrete, I missed solid ground that wouldn't trip me. It was even harder because of the rain, the metal was wet and slippery, a pain. I remember the multiple times when we had to stop in our tracks for Stanley to go to the toilet in the bushes. 1pm, Stanley went to the toilet. 1:30pm Stanley went to the toilet AGAIN. Maybe there's something wrong with his bladder, oh dear. Only kidding. I'm sure the time interval was larger than 30minutes.
After slipping and falling with the metal, we got to rocky ground which I appreciated. At least with this floor I wasn't going to slip so easily but I did trip JUST a couple hundred times.
Then..we got to the beach. Sure, it was a beautiful scene, if I had my head up. I didn't have the chance to appreciate any of it, instead I went through struggle. Struggled walking on the horrible, sinking sand. It not only got on my nerve but it got into my shoes. Going through the beach was a major pain. It was never-ending just like the metal. This time I wasn't slipping, I was sinking. It felt like a swamp, walking through wet sand in the rain. I hated the beach. It was draining. Every step required so much effort and I had to pace myself. Big steps made me sink and made more sand get into my feet but small steps meant more steps. It took forever. I convinced myself it was worth it. And it really wasn't because right after the beach we had a long hike uphill to get to the camp. That trip took forever. I remember looking up and all I saw was up and up. I remember seeing people up there and I thought to myself, I wish I was them. Even though they were only a lot of metres ahead of me, they had a lot of metres less to walk than I did. After all the uphill, we had the downhill. Although it was a lot easier, it was a lot more dangerous. I remember walking down, seeing a patch of land and thinking where was the camp? But that patch of land was our camp. With excitement and relief in my veins I raced down knowing that there was going to be no more hiking, no more uphill, no more downhill, no more beaches, no more metal until tomorrow. It felt good to have a place to rest. First thing I did, was change out of my disgusting dirt and sand filled socks. Bad idea. I fell into a creek. A disgusting creek with disgusting water that was strangely red. I was heading to the toilets..I mean holes used as toilets, with Lakhena and I was completely exhausted and so I was not being too careful where I was stepping, while there was a pathetic, thin piece of wood that was a sorry excuse for a bridge over this red creek. So I missed a step and fell in. Socks and shoes completely drenched with red liquid and my legs had a layer of creek water. DISGUSTING.
After the toilet adventure we had dinner and then a small meeting. The meeting was interrupted by sprinkling rain so we hurried to our tents, our comfort, our dry sanctuary..for a while. The rain started to pour. Pounding against the thin plastic that was supposed to be our shelter. I tried so hard to sleep I wrapped my head with any material I could grab on to. I tried so hard to block out the pounding rain, it became an ugly rhythm at the back of my head. My Ipod became my distraction, the only thing that kept my mind off the fact that it was pouring outside. The rain drops were bullets bringing our tent down. There were so many casualties, I'm glad our tent didn't go down like the others.
It was the worst night of my life. I thought I was going to die. And when I didn't think that, I wanted to die. It was the hardest night I've ever had to live through physically.
This adventure was the most physically enduring thing I've been through. I remember there were so many points where I wanted to give up. I couldn't sleep. The storm didn't stop, it barely slowed, it just kept going. The rain just kept falling down. Minutes felt like days, hours felt like weeks. It was also the longest night of my life. Every second I could feel the walls of the tent falling in, it kept hitting my face, hitting my back, I was drenched. Completely drenched. Every single layer of clothing was soaked. I remember getting up and checking my bag and the entire bag was soaked. Everything in it was soaked. The conditions were so bad I just didn't care anymore. I was cold, wet, feeling sick, wanting to give up. I even used my extra pair of pants which were drenched as a pillow. I could feel the coldness next to my ear, but I didn't care. I just wanted it all to be over. Our tent was flooded, my sleeping bag was soaked. There was no comfort. Lakhena and I exchanged little words, our comments were mainly coated with hopelessness and fear. We were too cold and too scared. Outside we could hear murmurs and we could tell that something was happening, we heard the teachers trying to reassure students, trying to give instructions. At one point I think it was decided that we walk back to the toilet blocks. Which Lakhena and I was not ready for. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go outside. Outside was dangerous. I didn't have the strength to go through the storm, up and over the hills. I just wanted to stay there. I didn't want to move.
Then Mr Parker came around and told us one thing. I'll never forget that moment. All he said was "Make sure you stay alive till the morning." And that brought chills into me, even more chills. I was overloaded with chills. I felt hopeless. It could've been the end. It really felt like the end.
More news came. We found out that Anne and Joanne's tent fell apart and so we shared our shelter with them. I remember the silence. At one point, we all just sat there completely silent, no one spoke. The silence was cold. We could only shiver and chatter our teeth. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't have hope. I was feeling weak.
It felt we were in the Titanic scene with the glaciers, it was hell. Unforgettable.
I remember the morning after..I remember feeling useless, I couldn't move. I just stood outside our tent, shivering. After the packing was done we had to get over to the toilet block which was over the hill. Walking over was hell. Every step forward felt like a step back. The stairs kept on going. I slipped so many times. It was still raining and the wind was so strong and I almost fell at every second step. The wind was a bully that kept on pushing on me. The journey back to the toilet block was unbelievably long. It was never-ending.
But it's all over now! I'M A STRONGER PERSON! I CAN DO ANYTHING!
I survived.
I Returned. Returned with battle scars, bruises on my hips, shoulders and blisters on my feet. But I was okay. I got through it.
I will never forget those two days. Those two days of hell. Those two days that changed my life. No mountain is too high! No valley is too low!

I can get through ANYTHING.

I get it...

I'm picking up the pieces fixing up the puzzle I thought I'd never be able to figure out.
I think I get it now. And I'm okay with it. It's nice to know, it's nice to understand.
Maybe I didn't want it to be like this..just maybe I hoped that it wouldn't end up like this..just maybe I thought I knew you..just maybe I thought there was more to it. I thought I didn't have the strength to even look on this puzzle ever again. But now I know, now I get it.
Usually I hate the truth, but you know what? I'm glad I know. Now I know not to waste my time.
I'm not going to be that person. I'm not going to be like them. I'm not going down that road, I'm steering away from it. I'm not going to play that role, I'm not going to be the one with regrets. It's not my fate. No more. It makes sense now. Wow. I'm surprised..I'm disappointed..mainly at myself. You didn't want to tell me, and it makes sense. I had to find out like this, and I'm cool with it. I'm not going to waste anymore time thinking and wondering because now I know. That was the best damn phone call I've had all week. It all makes sense. Did you want to push me away? Because there's no need, I'll make it easier for you, I'll walk away.

you had all the chances in the world
to let me know the truth
what the hell's wrong with you
are you even listening when I talk to you?
do you even care what I'm going through?
your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
you're right there but it's like you never knew me
...

And everything will be okay. You don't care, and it shows, and I'm glad.
I've just lived through the two worst days of my life and I survived. I can get through anything. I don't need any of it. I'm a changed person, I changed for the better..

if you tried to lose me..

then it worked.

Bleed.

I feel like I'm stuck in a storm. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.
Cold.
I've lost the comfort. I'm left empty. I lost my umbrella. And so I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, confused, with no place to run to. I'm breaking down.

Never thought it'd catch me
Never thought it'd cost me
Never thought it'd hurt me

It cuts so deep that I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It's like losing an arm, I've forgotten how to function.

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone...

I try so hard to pretend. Sometimes it works. I don't understand. I'm scared. There. That's the truth, I'm scared.
I can't bring myself to say many things because I don't want to feel weak. And yes, there's so much I've been meaning to say. But I guess, now those words can stay locked in my head. Now it doesn't seem to even matter. I want them to. But that's what I want, it's not reality.
I feel like I'm left here alone, without a map, without a compass, without reason.
Was I wrong all along?

everything will be okay.

So I'll be honest here.
It's so hard. All it takes are a few short lines, a few rows of lyrics, a few seconds of a familiar melody or a few quick flashbacks to break me down.
I've never been so weak. I can get lost sometimes, lost in the moment and I appreciate those moments. Those moments where I forget and live my life, like I used to. Those times when I can almost feel myself again. And it makes me realise how much everyone means to me.
How much I need them in my life. I love my friends.
But then my world comes crashing down again. Then I lose grip of the handle I had on life. I lose. I don't know how it got to this. I don't know why I am like this. I don't know how long this phase will last. But I know I'll be okay. It's written all over the songs. Like in every movie, there's a happy ending. Everything will be okay.
For now I'll deal with the pain. I'll deal with the tears.

.....

THE END.

Dear Diary.

Believe me when I say..when I say that I lied when I said I didn't care. I lied when I said it meant nothing. I lied when I said I was okay.

Thanks. Bye.

Gemini

Your magical ability to switch selves when the need arises is a real power tool. Those who've seen Gemini do this are amazed. If one part of you becomes depressed, disillusioned or ill, you just get rather quiet and withdrawn for a bit, and then, voila! A little while later, you are spotted back in action, smiling and fully functional. If questioned about the former negative condition, you may look blank for a moment, as if trying to remember, before answering: "Oh, that. I'm fine now, thanks." If we all had another self to slip into when life got tedious or troublesome, we'd all stay as young of body and mind as Gemini does.

Gemini

You can talk up a storm today, but being clever can be an effective way to cover up your feelings of uncertainty. You probably don't have as much self-confidence now as others think. But even if your moods are less than stable, you can rest assured that they will settle back down, even if it still takes a few more days. In the meantime, speaking fewer words can help you be more truthful about what's really important to you.

It really hurts. I've honestly never felt so much pain in my life. Ever. And I know there will be other bad times, even worse times. But for now let that day be marked as the worst. So, I say:

"here's to the worst day of my life.."

I felt so numb. I feel so numb. The whole world became a blur, all the words didn't absorb, all I could remember and see was killing me. I can't take it. I've never felt this down. I'm used to being neutral/happy/normal/high, so this is not an emotion I'm used to. I hate it so much. It's not even anger, I wish it was. It would be easier that way. The pain is suffocating, I find it harder and harder to breathe everyday, and I swear it's not the sickness. Seems like you're taking my breath away, in the worst way possible. I feel so far away. I feel like I've been ripped out of the book, torn apart, shredded into pieces. And, yes, it kills. I remember the moments, I couldn't watch. Every single time, I'd leave to save myself. Truth be told, I'm not brave enough to stay and watch, truth be told, I don't think I'd be able to keep it together. I've never felt so weak, so frozen, so cold and so alone. It's the worst feeling in the world. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Broken. It hurts way too much. I really wish I didn't care. I know I said I didn't care so many times, but I was lying. I wish I meant what I said. I feel like I'm in the dark corner. If only I could turn back time. Total cliche, I know. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to handle this situation at hand. I feel like a scrunched up and thrown away small piece of paper being burnt. Soon only the ashes will remain. I can't take the pain, I can't bear to watch. It's scarier than any horror movie. The truth is, I'm really scared, I've fallen into a deep hole and the grainy dirt is not letting me take a breath. I'm sinking and suffocating in this pausing phase. My life has slowed. Everything seemed to have stopped. I try so hard. So hard to act normal. But it can get so hard to pretend. I'm not used to pretending, this is the first time in my life, I have to continually fake a smile, fake the joy. I can't let my guard down, if I drop this normal act, I don't think I'll end too well. I must keep it together, but I feel as though I'm going against the wind, against a hurricane. I'm trying my best to not let it consume me. But it's getting harder. I've never felt so much pain in my life. I can't even sleep anymore. I can't close my eyes without replaying the scenes in my head. And it hurts so bad every time. I always walk away. If I didn't, I'd break down, right there. And I don't think you even care.

Screw it.

It's driving me insane. You're driving me insane. I lost control of my steering wheel. To you.

It's so stupid, beyond stupid. This thing feels like a painting with too many colours mixed together, so mixed that the colours look almost confused going anywhere and everywhere without a purpose. From afar this painting may look fine, it may look completely acceptable perhaps even artistic but there's a lot more to it than that. It's completely twisted, scarred by the different paint textures and colours. The emotions are too muddled, some are vibrant and cheerful others are dark and scream pain. To me, this painting has little meaning now. Whatever. Screw it. I don't care anymore.
Smash it with a hammer, screw in it with a screw driver and whatever happens to it, isn't my problem anymore. I'm done. Finished. It has become just another picture to burn.
Honestly, I don't like feeling unnecessary emotions, particularly emotions that are detrimental. I'm not fond of being consumed with anger and/or jealousy. It's just unnecessary.
So there. That's it. It's for my own good. Because, sometimes, I feel like I'm being smashed with a hammer and screwed in with a screw driver when I see what I see. My usual remedy is to walk away. But that method doesn't seem to work so well anymore so I'm done. I can't stand it. I hate jealousy. I hate it as much as I hate you. But the thing I hate most, is that I don't hate you.
So this is why I'm lighting a fire on it and leaving it behind. Hate and jealousy are stupid. I'm not going to lose to them.

FEAR

I was running. It was dark. As much as it scared me, I appreciated the lack of light that hid the stupid tears running down my face. My heart was racing. The beat every step my feet made competed with the pounding in my chest. My breath began to scatter, my lungs were freaking out, I coughed in the hopes that it would get rid of whatever was slowing my pace.
I saw figures on my right. They were blurred and by their drunken movements and steps, I could tell they weren't safe. Through their drunken whispers and their lack of ability to walk in a straight line, I knew I had to get away. I fought every tear, refusing to be drowned in the salty sea of weakness. I was confused. Lost.
The tears of pain could have been mistaken for tears of fear. Maybe I was trying to wrap the prior pain with the present fear. That way no one will ever know. Honestly, this fear did not have the ability to overtake the pain. But it was a good enough cover.
I continued to run away, escape from the strangers. This night was going to end fine. I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew safety would just be around the corner.
I caught the glimpse of company and safety. I saw the number plate. I ran faster and harder towards the vehicle. But it drove away, turning the corner. A blanket of relief fell upon me, I felt the lonely coldness slowly evaporate. But as I turned the corner and looked down the street, it was gone. The car was gone. I continued to run without purpose now, I just knew I had to appear like I had reason and destination. I turned back for a split second, hoping to see a familiar face or anything that didn't present itself coated with red danger. I saw a dark dislocated figure, his every step was filled with pain and his every movement was flawed. I couldn't help but turn around and stare at the terrible image that presented himself as a threat. I felt a rush. I'm not sure what it was. Adrenaline? Fear? Excitement? But whatever it was, with it I ran faster and the cold wind bruised my skin as I fought against its path. The wind resisted as hard as I resisted the tears falling down my face, like pathetic raindrops falling on a window.

Unjumble please

Everyone is lonely. We have to remember that life is to be lived one day at a time. You cannot worry about past or future. Happiness is in the now.

I want something that can't be defined. What happens when what you want is something you can never have? What do you do when what you want doesn't even exist?
I'm learning. The world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I stay and watch as my world breaks into shattered pieces. I stare at these broken edges piercing through my soul. Every single jagged piece is a painful reminder. And then I wonder, what is it that I'm waiting for? Because it isn't real. It can never be real.
Seasons are changing, waves are crashing, stars are falling and I know I will be okay, though my skies are turning grey.
I think I understand now. I think I want something beyond normal. I don't want a plain grey sky. Maybe I want to be a superhero maybe I'm afraid of reality. Reality burns it all. Reality kills the possibility of flying and staying young forever and ever like Peter Pan. I don't like plain reality. It's too boring. I need something more. Something else. My thoughts are everywhere, jumbled, hidden in an enormous find-a-word, or should I say find-a-thought. It's a damn mystery.
If only I knew. If only I truly understood. Everything is so vague that misunderstanding is inevitable to fall into. My thoughts are confused. I am confused.
I'm afraid what I want and what I'm waiting for only exists in my head. The unknown is exciting but terrifying when I have foolishly built vague ideas of what I want it to be. I'm so confused.
I'm stuck in this phase that goes nowhere and stands nowhere. What the hell am I hanging on to? I need to move forward and dodge everything that's pushing me back. Reality is like mud and I don't want to sink into it. I grab on to anything and everything, refusing to accept the limits of reality. I want more than reality can give me.
For now, I'll run away, far away from reality.

Good Morning & Goodbye

Every show has to end. Every drama has an ending but it's not always dramatic. Truth be told, I like drama it makes life and reality interesting but I know better than to hang on to a rope that is falling apart. Hanging on to this rope I have depended on for a long time will only cause painful rope burns that will cut deep. I won't let it get to that point.
Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a word we use when we're in temporary ecstasy. But when you wake up in the morning forever becomes a foolish term. When we were young kids we used to engrave everywhere "FRIENDS 4EVA" and "I LOVE YOU FOREVER!" did we mean it? Maybe some people really did mean it but did whatever it was last forever? No. Not even close. Maybe when we were young, we didn't understand that forever was longer than a couple of minutes, hours or days. Forever represents.. false hope.
I'm at the point where I'm over it all. Over everything. I'm done. Finished. I don't care anymore.
I'm starting new, starting fresh. Beginning a new beginning saying goodbye to history. I'm not the type of person to live on memories, I'd rather turn the page.
Memories are nice and all, but they're not enough, seriously. Living on memories is stupid. I'm not looking back. I'm done with the casualties. No more. That's it.
No more thinking, no more remembering. I'm leaving the past where it belongs. You can't expect me to live on those single moments because I seriously can't and I seriously won't. Yeah sure, you can drive me freaking crazy sometimes. But it's not always the good crazy. I used to pretend a lot of things. I used to pretend like none of it killed me. But the truth is, I think I died every time I saw. I wish it was my imagination. And so the best remedy would be to forget it all, forget the stupid freaking past. I'm not wasting anymore time. No more wrong distractions. I'm not gonna remember you. And I hope it gives you hell.
And I love beginnings and you need an ending for a beginning. I'm not carrying any luggage to this new world. This new world I'm creating. No interference this time. I'm done. Finished. Over it. This new beginning marks the ending of you.

Today's Horoscope

12th July 2009

"You are as restless as the tides today; your feelings wash one way and then the other. Meanwhile, your thoughts are all over the map, even though you can make yourself appear as if you are not moving at all. Don't hide your need for variety now. Admit that you aren't ready yet to make final choices and keep your options open for a while longer."

I love how they explain everything..

Uninvited Hate

I'll never understand.. maybe it's best that way.. maybe it's best to stand in between the two extremes. Fantasy and reality.
I'm scared. It's true.
I've known this road for too long and the end is too far for focusing. I had a funeral and I buried your memory..but you're like a freaking zombie showing up uninvited back into my life when I was so sure I was done. I mentally disposed you..but you're unbreakable, came back when I least expected it. Hit you with a shovel, thought you were unconscious. Scared. I stayed back to see if you were okay..eyes closed you grabbed my hand. Breathless. You were dead, now you're alive. Why do you always do that? I made you invisible, so the pain wouldn't be so apparent. You always show up uninvited, but you might as well stay..
I thought when you bury something, it'd disappear, I thought if I mentally buried you, you'd be gone. But you're not fading..and I'm failing.
I killed you out of my story but something went terribly wrong. Maybe the one hundred bullets through you weren't enough. You're supposed to be out and gone, you should have expired by now. Your time should be up. But you have this thing..maybe it's your magic that keeps you alive in this story.
What do I have to do to keep you out..to keep you dead to me. What do I have to do to actually mean it..? Because I know I don't..and it sucks to admit it. And it sucks to know it.
You're too damn invincible, and I hate it. Never again. Could have sworn I said, never again a couple hundred times already. I'm not learning. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of liking this feeling. I said never again. I hate the nights. I hate the mornings. I know it sounds so selfish but I can't help but think. I hate myself for the way I feel about you every time. I've had enough. I hate the fact that I reached the point of getting sick and tired of this rollercoaster ride. What happen? I used to love rollercoaster rides, until you came around. I'm sick of wishing you were around me everyday every night it's way too much..it's stupid and selfish. It drives me crazy, I'll never understand. I hate it when you're around me..and the only thing I hate most is the fact that I don't.

I don't need any of it

Stuck between fire and ice. Heat and coldness.

Contemplation is damaging, surfacing the things I desperately need to bury. In between two seasons, two elements, two contrasting evils. I stay between avoiding a choice, refusing to burn or freeze. Both are capable of consuming me, killing the spirit, the innocence. I unconsciously block and push away both closing walls, different in every way. There is no safety in this scenario. It's burning or freezing, fire or ice, wrong and wrong. So different, yet essentially the same.
I struggle to understand the warmth that smothers seeming to bring safety. There's a natural pull, reeling me closer to the heat. The stable beat enforces a physical dependence tickling my senses. I need to hear, smell and feel the heat. The presence of this warmth is something I desire constantly. It melts me but I can't help but notice the danger, the burning heat. The flames that seem so tempting now could be the one thing that ends me. I am addicted to being around the heat as it keeps me warm, providing a shield against the drastic weather and changing seasons. This fire, this physical attraction lacks depth. I doubt this goes further than an unhealthy physical need. The comfort emitted from the fire is something I'm not ready to let go of. It's something I can't get enough of.
The cold ice and icy cold has a touch that lingers, irreplaceable. This coldness wraps me, numbing my world and tricks me into passing the wheel that drives my life. Ice is hard, cold, mysterious and seductive. The one element that is capable of freezing me, the one element too capable of taking over. The coldness brings an aching feeling. I've become detrimentally attached to this freezing substance in my life. It confuses me, and I will never understand it but I will never get tired of it. One thing is definite, I will always want it. This desire is unexplainable and impossible to comprehend. I don't know what to think of it. Ice has the unpredictable qualities, easily transforming into water. The water can drown me, strangle the life out of me. Ice and water are not stable as they slide and flow around building paths of confusion. Making me run circles in my head.
I remain indecisive, always and forever, forever and always. Both have fused into me, I don't need any of it. But I want it all.

Mental Disposal

I don't know what's good for me. I'm hooked on what's bad for me and so it's inevitable for me to get lost in the chain of consequences.
Maybe deep inside, somewhere in the corner I know the difference even though I don't seem to act like I do. Down this detrimental path I walk again, it's all the same with the exception of new casualties. Their faces, their words all blurred, all the same.
It's a short worthless road, used too many times, scarred too many times. At first, it's packed with excitement, beauty and adventure but as the journey progresses, the innocent joy fades away like meaningless words written in the sky. The words publicly displayed to mislead people, to make them obsessed with deciphering the words and phrases dripping with meaningless confusion. As the exhilaration disappears boredom comes along and spreads itself wide and thick. It assures unavoidable, boring and dangerous instability.
The heat is addicting, it takes me away from the freezing cold but eventually the fire burns me. The flames can get out of control down this path, it gets dangerous too fast and it burns out. Before I get a chance to escape, before I get a chance to get to safety. Maybe I don't know what I want. But then it's all meaningless junk heading for mental disposal. My thoughts are not constant, they're anything but constant and stable.

Roar

He was lacking the indescribable fire that once gave him the constant boost for his roar. The dark fire coated with addictive substances no longer stayed with him and it left him alone. Alone in a silent crowded kingdom. He once ruled this kingdom, being the drill that brought himself and everyone deeper into a hole filled with happiness, even though it was foolish happiness, it was still happiness. Something that was now foreign to him. He was drenched with lonely emotions instead. The motivation was gone. The misleading dark fire was now a fading image. He had become too dependent on this source of light and now came the consequences.
It was a big mistake to ever gaze upon this light of darkness that brought the temporary feeling of ecstasy. Temporary. That temporary period is now over. Now he was left over to the side. His kingdom wandered in a desert of confusion, completely unaware of what was happening beneath his distant surface. This fire was a secret and no one in the kingdom had a clue about the nonexistent connection he had been foolishly building, in the hopes that it would become something. But now he was glad he kept this beautiful liar to himself. Glad to save himself from the humiliation. A feeling his kind could not relate to.
The passionate, energetic roar he was once known for could no longer be reached. He was now motionless and missing purpose. He entered an era of silence and inactivity as he drenched himself with reality. All this time he should have been independent but instead he mindlessly depended on a fire. He had convinced himself that this fire provided him with purposeful light and energy. Although it did for a period of time, he was absolutely wrong about this fiery liar. The dark, scorching fire blinded him and his logic. It's fleeting image caused his heart to fall into emptiness. The fire burnt him.

The Nod - short story

He was a rare breed. His exterior was elusive and complex. His attention span was as nonexistent as her imperfections through his biased longing eyes. The boy was mesmerised. Hooked on her like a drug addict from the moment she gave him that nod. The nod, that still after five hours left him in a puddle of confusion. He had to know her. He was determined to get from acquaintance to something deeper, a lot deeper.

She was metres in front of him, he was following. He was dedicated, determined to know more. He was addicted from the beginning, from the title, the nod.

She walked with unbelievable grace, without a doubt she was flawless, he thought. No one had ever grabbed his attentions like she did. She grabbed it with her delicate slender fingers and rushed away. So he had to follow her home, know her address, know where to post his love letters dripping with the undying love he had for her. The foolish love. She was walking so casually and she came to an abrupt stop like his heart. He anticipated on her turning around, but she didn't. He was excited and he had been swimming in his fantasy land where their future love was already in play. A black cat. He realised she had paused for this revoltingly, deadly cat. Why wasn't she backing away? Why wasn't she screaming? he pondered. The boy highly disliked felines, he was a dog person. He thought she was too. In his daydreams, she and he were walking their dogs together at the beach with the breathtaking sunset setting an exquisite scene. But he walking a dog and she walking a cat would not do. That picture was not perfect. She patted the cat as if it was a lovable marshmallow. Was she blind? he considered. Cats were disgusting through his eyes. She was a cat person, he had to accept this. He put his head down and had his eyes focused on the uneven floor. He continued to follow her from behind, blending in with the grey crowd, hoping to not appear as a stalker without a life. But her beauty had consumed him. He was desperate to know more about this girl who changed him so drastically and so quickly. But a cat person? She can not be a cat person, he decided.

Her eyes were dark, like black holes they sucked him in and blinded him with the darkness. The boy was so sure she was the one for him. The one he never bothered to look for. And she found him, and she nodded at him. This intoxicating gesture she made was on replay for him mentally. He was convinced this thing was real.

The boy nervously hid himself behind a bush the beautiful leaves and branches covered his view of her. He could barely see her but he could see that she was approaching someone. A male. He pushed the covering vegetation away to have a clearer view of her purity. Her head slightly tipped back. It happened too fast, it was too sporadic. The nod. She had given that dream bruising stranger his nod. He could feel the build up of undesirable frustration, surprisingly it was not a pang of jealousy, it was simply a painful pinch that made him realise, his infatuation for her was as artificial as she was.

Silence

This silence is fatal. It is imprinted with this distinct loudness that I am unable to handle. It kills me more than it should. I care more than I should. I was so sure I tucked away this business. I foolishly built my confidence thick and high, thought I had it figured out. And perhaps I did. But now it's creeping right back up to strike me. It's like a bruise I developed way too quickly and I had finally reached the point where I am indifferent to it. Then this abnormal nothingness punched my internal bleeding, reminding me. Reminding me of the things I wish to avoid. This dead silence is not right. You got me used to something else and now this is what you give me. The intensity is too sporadic, it must be artificial. I remember a time when I didn't notice the silent gap. In fact it wasn't long ago at all. I tripped and fell into this pit and I'm left stuck with this unbearable silence that frustratingly highlights its presence. Making sure I can hear it, see it and feel it. I don't know why this presence and absence can bother me so much. It kicks me away from the normality. The beautifully safe normality. The time was too short. Impossible. This bridge could not have been built so quickly and broken down so quickly. But I am struggling my way through this sinking swamp called my memory, I can't recall the construction. How could this remarkable bridge we built be sabotaged so early? Why did we let the simple silence burn this bridge to devastating ashes? I fail to read and comprehend you. A little while ago, this issue would have been minor in fact completely nonexistent. This wave of frustrating emotions are suffocating and as they lead me, I feel exhausted. What triggered this burdening silence? It was as sudden as my irrational swerving path. It had no meaning, no reason but it was there. It made its position uncomfortably clear and I don't welcome this awful silence at all. I highly dislike this contrast of hot and cold. Why does this affect me? I have absolutely no reason to feel the impact of your burning heat or your frozen coldness. I was once neutral. I will find my way back.