It really hurts. I've honestly never felt so much pain in my life. Ever. And I know there will be other bad times, even worse times. But for now let that day be marked as the worst. So, I say:

"here's to the worst day of my life.."

I felt so numb. I feel so numb. The whole world became a blur, all the words didn't absorb, all I could remember and see was killing me. I can't take it. I've never felt this down. I'm used to being neutral/happy/normal/high, so this is not an emotion I'm used to. I hate it so much. It's not even anger, I wish it was. It would be easier that way. The pain is suffocating, I find it harder and harder to breathe everyday, and I swear it's not the sickness. Seems like you're taking my breath away, in the worst way possible. I feel so far away. I feel like I've been ripped out of the book, torn apart, shredded into pieces. And, yes, it kills. I remember the moments, I couldn't watch. Every single time, I'd leave to save myself. Truth be told, I'm not brave enough to stay and watch, truth be told, I don't think I'd be able to keep it together. I've never felt so weak, so frozen, so cold and so alone. It's the worst feeling in the world. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Broken. It hurts way too much. I really wish I didn't care. I know I said I didn't care so many times, but I was lying. I wish I meant what I said. I feel like I'm in the dark corner. If only I could turn back time. Total cliche, I know. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to handle this situation at hand. I feel like a scrunched up and thrown away small piece of paper being burnt. Soon only the ashes will remain. I can't take the pain, I can't bear to watch. It's scarier than any horror movie. The truth is, I'm really scared, I've fallen into a deep hole and the grainy dirt is not letting me take a breath. I'm sinking and suffocating in this pausing phase. My life has slowed. Everything seemed to have stopped. I try so hard. So hard to act normal. But it can get so hard to pretend. I'm not used to pretending, this is the first time in my life, I have to continually fake a smile, fake the joy. I can't let my guard down, if I drop this normal act, I don't think I'll end too well. I must keep it together, but I feel as though I'm going against the wind, against a hurricane. I'm trying my best to not let it consume me. But it's getting harder. I've never felt so much pain in my life. I can't even sleep anymore. I can't close my eyes without replaying the scenes in my head. And it hurts so bad every time. I always walk away. If I didn't, I'd break down, right there. And I don't think you even care.