gotta live out my lessons..

time makes it all right.

Forever you will stay in my memory..

2009

I love 2009. It's been the best year. I will try my best to never forget this year, the people, the laughs, the cries and the memories. I can't believe it's reaching an end, I'll miss this year without a doubt. I've learnt so much through the weeks and months and I feel this year has changed me so much. Time changes people, it's inevitable. Each and every experience leaves footprints.. altering personalities. We change, according to people we meet, events we participate in, groups we associate with and emotions we fall to.
2009.. you were my lover and my best friend and I'm sad to see this relationship end. I feel sad knowing that you will be replaced soon. And I really hope that your friend 2010 will be as fun and memorable as you are.
I've laughed and smiled so much this year and I've cried and frowned quite a bit too but I'm stronger now. All is better now, I can feel the change. The stars have realigned and I'm changing the words and how they rhyme.. You will never know my pain, I replaced it with a smile that's on my face. 'Cause the things that used to get me down, I don't worry about them now and I threw it all away, it was time to make a change. No way am I going to be trapped inside of yeserday.
I'm ready for the new year, but for now I want to linger in the 2009 air. I've had so much fun, made so many memories and I wish that it didn't have to end but time isn't something you can argue with, it won't stop just because you want it to.
I've learnt so much this year, had so many life changing experiences and I appreciate everyone who was a part of my 2009, you've made me, me. I'm probably not the same person I was in 2008, I'm probably not the same person I was a month ago, possibly not the same person I was yesterday...but that's life. As long as I'm happy with who I am and where I am, it's all cool.
For 2010, things are going to get bigger and better, I can feel it. I can feel that 2010 is a year of more changes. I feel ready but I'm going to miss 2009.
I love my friends and family. They made this year special. They made this year fun, crazy, eventful and unforgettable.
Looking back at this year, I have minimal regrets. I'll take everything from this year, the good, the bad and everything in between.
I won't forget you, 2009.

Good and Bad

The good, the bad and everything in between. I take it all.

I've realised, in life there are good people and there are bad people. There are people who care about you and there are those people who don't. And I've realised, it's important to differentiate between the two. You've got to hang on to the people who matter, the people who care. The people who will be there for you not only when you're up but also when you're down. In this world, there are people who superficially care or temporarily care. Some may say these people are selfish and I guess in a way they are. But in a way, I just think that these people don't realise that.. what goes around comes around, you do somebody wrong for too long, it's gonna get done to you..cause 360, its coming right back to you.
So the way I see it, in life you shouldn't mistreat people, you shouldn't forget to care. You've gotta show it. You can't be selfish. Cause just like the way this world turns, you play the game that way and you'll get burned.
I can't exactly say I've lost someone in my life yet, and I'm glad. I won't ever play the game to lose anyone I care about. I'll hang on to the people who care and for those who don't I won't.
I've learnt that there are so many people out there who only treat you a certain way or do certain things because they get something out of it. There are people who only do things because it's convenient for them or they gain something from it. Some people in this world superficially build things which are obviously weak. These bridges and friendships lack stability because they weren't built on honesty and sincerity. In some cases they're built on greed.
And that's why I am the way I am. That's why I don't trust people easily. For me, trust is earnt. It's not like I have trust issues and reckon every stranger will kill me. I do trust people but the level of trust is brief. By trusting people and letting them in, you in a way give them the power to ruin you.. to hurt you.
Personally, too much dependency is weak.
I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
When you decide to depend on someone, for anything. You basically hand over a remote control of your emotions, of your life. Which isn't the way it should be. You shouldn't depend on someone to make you happy, you shouldn't allow someone to control your emotions. Even if they make you happy for a little while, accept that and remember your life is your own. You're the architect, the mayor, the controller. I know so many people who have been too dependent on another, and some still do. But I'll do it my way, that's what i say, promise myself.
And for sure, I'll be making mistakes, coming up at a loss, I'll be tumbling down but like MC shake it off.
Of course, we all reach low points in our life. Life's a rollercoaster. There are the high times and then there are the low times. Life's always changing. People are always changing.
These low times may seem so bad, you may feel like you're stuck in a rut but things get better. Days get better. You can pick yourself up. Independence is important. Emotions have to be controlled. Life has to be controlled.
But I've learnt that you have to remember to appreciate the people who are there for you through the good and bad times. That's why I love my friends, I would never deliberately hurt them. Because in this world, friendship is important. No one is supposed to be alone. No one should feel alone. Because that's not the way it should be. Never forget the people who matter. Never treat them like they're anything less.
I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough.
So there are people who don't genuinely care and these people aren't what you call genuine friends. I think for me, it's fine having people like these in your life but you just got to be careful about letting them come too close. These people come and go, they may stay with you when times are good and happy and drop and forget you when things get tough. I see so many things, I experience quite a few things and all of these things make me, me. I learn from them. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
There is good in everyone but some people just don't show that side. And there's nothing you can do about it. Just live your own life. And soon enough 360, it'll come right back to them.
But in this world there are good people, people who you can trust. People who you can depend on. These are the most important people in your life. I've learnt that there are those acquaintances in your life who are good, who care. Those people who you haven't seen in a while, who simply call you up just to see how you're going. These people make me smile. These people remind me of the good in this world. It reminds me that people care. And that there are people who aren't consumed by greed and aren't selfish. People who genuinely care exist. These people provide me with hope. They make me forget the poison.
There are always people who pollute your life. But then, there are people who provide the light and guide you out of the toxic air.

I have many worlds. Some bad. Some good. I take it all.

.....

I won't tell nobody.
I'll just scream it in my mind.

And so it gets dark, I get the feeling I'm falling with the darkness.
The nights are long..it feels like I'm barely breathing. It's just another storm, it's just another night, but nothing feels the same. The stars don't shine even when the night curtains fall.
I'm losing.

NO.

IM NEVER GONNA LET IT SHOW.

I can get through ANYTHING.

WORST TWO DAYS OF MY LIFE.
Went through Titanic, Ice Age and the Sahara desert. Freezing cold, blizzards and sandstorms. Survived.
I can finally say I've been through hell. Actually, that statement would be slightly misleading, because hell is hot, so I'll say: I've been through freezing hell.

Started the adventurous journey with my head held up high thinking only optimistic thoughts. Thinking that I was all ready, packed all my gear the night before, had my compass, first aid kit, rain gear, clothing, food and water all on me. I said to all my peers: "By the end of this hike, we will be changed people, we will be different and stronger!"
Well looking back, I was right. But I said that not knowing that waiting around the corner, over the metal, over the beaches, over the hills, over the mountains was a 10 hour storm. Little did I know that the worst night of my life was right around the corner.
It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Worst night of my life. Most physically enduring thing I've ever been through. But..I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna work harder. I feel changed. That experience changed my life. It may sound corny or cliche but it really did. It made me appreciate the little things in life, we normally take for granted like toilet paper, flushing toilets, dry clothes, dry beds, dry shoes, dry socks, food, concrete, solid walls that don't cave in, a roof that is stable and heaters. I love heaters.
I've been through the storm, I've been through the rain, suffered injuries, dealt with the pain. And now I'm a stronger person. I can get through ANYTHING!
I remember getting tired just walking from the ferry stop to the start of the trail. Walking through the roads like turtles with gigantic shells. Shells that were going to be drenched by the end of the night. I could already feel the pressure on my shoulders and on my hips. It killed. But that was just the beginning. I liked the weather in the beginning. It wasn't hot, it wasn't sunny, but the walking and hiking kept us warm. It wasn't wet either, I loved the breeze at the beginning, it felt refreshing. Our spirits were high, singing and laughing and playing games. But the clouds started to put frowns on our happy faces, rain started to trickle. It was simply sprinkling. And I said to everyone: "IT COULD BE WORSE!" with a smile and determination pasted on my face. We were all thinking positive, assuming that the rain would go away. "It could be worse.." Oh and it did get worse.
So we chucked on our ponchos and rain gear like the good troopers we were. I felt like I was wearing a plastic bag. We were like colourful turtles. I remember the hood of my gigantic plastic bag wouldn't stay on my head, and that was a pain. But that was nothing compared to that night.
Soon enough, my legs, shoulders and hips began to ache and I felt pain everywhere. But I kept going. My spirits were down and my head was no longer high, instead my head was kept down. I simply followed the footsteps in front of me. I didn't want to look up, I didn't want to look forward because it only brought my spirits lower with the sights of higher tracks, longer trails and uphill tracks. Looking down was the only way to avoid feeling worse. It was the only way I could keep going.
A life lesson I learnt after this hike is that in life, sometimes all you have to do is move forward. In cases like these, you don't have to look forward, but it is important to move forward. No looking back. This hike made me learn a lot of things, and that was one of the most important things I've learnt. My life has changed, I realise there is no mountain too high, no challenge too hard, for me to get passed. Life is full of challenges. All you have to do, is not give up and MOVE FORWARD.
On the side, I learnt a lot of other things like, next time, bring more socks, more rain gear and there is no need to depend on instant noodles when you can bring canned soup too!
There are so many things I remember, so many things that haunt me. The endless metal trip that literally made me trip. Before the groups parted, Mr Parker had told us that after we got through the long metal part we were going to be near our break. I remember seeing metal and cheering that the shiny metal was a sign, a sign that we were near. But I was wrong. It was a short metal trip, one of many. We had to get through countless mini metal roads till we finally got to the one we were waiting for, I mean, dreading. Metal was my enemy. I missed concrete, I missed solid ground that wouldn't trip me. It was even harder because of the rain, the metal was wet and slippery, a pain. I remember the multiple times when we had to stop in our tracks for Stanley to go to the toilet in the bushes. 1pm, Stanley went to the toilet. 1:30pm Stanley went to the toilet AGAIN. Maybe there's something wrong with his bladder, oh dear. Only kidding. I'm sure the time interval was larger than 30minutes.
After slipping and falling with the metal, we got to rocky ground which I appreciated. At least with this floor I wasn't going to slip so easily but I did trip JUST a couple hundred times.
Then..we got to the beach. Sure, it was a beautiful scene, if I had my head up. I didn't have the chance to appreciate any of it, instead I went through struggle. Struggled walking on the horrible, sinking sand. It not only got on my nerve but it got into my shoes. Going through the beach was a major pain. It was never-ending just like the metal. This time I wasn't slipping, I was sinking. It felt like a swamp, walking through wet sand in the rain. I hated the beach. It was draining. Every step required so much effort and I had to pace myself. Big steps made me sink and made more sand get into my feet but small steps meant more steps. It took forever. I convinced myself it was worth it. And it really wasn't because right after the beach we had a long hike uphill to get to the camp. That trip took forever. I remember looking up and all I saw was up and up. I remember seeing people up there and I thought to myself, I wish I was them. Even though they were only a lot of metres ahead of me, they had a lot of metres less to walk than I did. After all the uphill, we had the downhill. Although it was a lot easier, it was a lot more dangerous. I remember walking down, seeing a patch of land and thinking where was the camp? But that patch of land was our camp. With excitement and relief in my veins I raced down knowing that there was going to be no more hiking, no more uphill, no more downhill, no more beaches, no more metal until tomorrow. It felt good to have a place to rest. First thing I did, was change out of my disgusting dirt and sand filled socks. Bad idea. I fell into a creek. A disgusting creek with disgusting water that was strangely red. I was heading to the toilets..I mean holes used as toilets, with Lakhena and I was completely exhausted and so I was not being too careful where I was stepping, while there was a pathetic, thin piece of wood that was a sorry excuse for a bridge over this red creek. So I missed a step and fell in. Socks and shoes completely drenched with red liquid and my legs had a layer of creek water. DISGUSTING.
After the toilet adventure we had dinner and then a small meeting. The meeting was interrupted by sprinkling rain so we hurried to our tents, our comfort, our dry sanctuary..for a while. The rain started to pour. Pounding against the thin plastic that was supposed to be our shelter. I tried so hard to sleep I wrapped my head with any material I could grab on to. I tried so hard to block out the pounding rain, it became an ugly rhythm at the back of my head. My Ipod became my distraction, the only thing that kept my mind off the fact that it was pouring outside. The rain drops were bullets bringing our tent down. There were so many casualties, I'm glad our tent didn't go down like the others.
It was the worst night of my life. I thought I was going to die. And when I didn't think that, I wanted to die. It was the hardest night I've ever had to live through physically.
This adventure was the most physically enduring thing I've been through. I remember there were so many points where I wanted to give up. I couldn't sleep. The storm didn't stop, it barely slowed, it just kept going. The rain just kept falling down. Minutes felt like days, hours felt like weeks. It was also the longest night of my life. Every second I could feel the walls of the tent falling in, it kept hitting my face, hitting my back, I was drenched. Completely drenched. Every single layer of clothing was soaked. I remember getting up and checking my bag and the entire bag was soaked. Everything in it was soaked. The conditions were so bad I just didn't care anymore. I was cold, wet, feeling sick, wanting to give up. I even used my extra pair of pants which were drenched as a pillow. I could feel the coldness next to my ear, but I didn't care. I just wanted it all to be over. Our tent was flooded, my sleeping bag was soaked. There was no comfort. Lakhena and I exchanged little words, our comments were mainly coated with hopelessness and fear. We were too cold and too scared. Outside we could hear murmurs and we could tell that something was happening, we heard the teachers trying to reassure students, trying to give instructions. At one point I think it was decided that we walk back to the toilet blocks. Which Lakhena and I was not ready for. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go outside. Outside was dangerous. I didn't have the strength to go through the storm, up and over the hills. I just wanted to stay there. I didn't want to move.
Then Mr Parker came around and told us one thing. I'll never forget that moment. All he said was "Make sure you stay alive till the morning." And that brought chills into me, even more chills. I was overloaded with chills. I felt hopeless. It could've been the end. It really felt like the end.
More news came. We found out that Anne and Joanne's tent fell apart and so we shared our shelter with them. I remember the silence. At one point, we all just sat there completely silent, no one spoke. The silence was cold. We could only shiver and chatter our teeth. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't have hope. I was feeling weak.
It felt we were in the Titanic scene with the glaciers, it was hell. Unforgettable.
I remember the morning after..I remember feeling useless, I couldn't move. I just stood outside our tent, shivering. After the packing was done we had to get over to the toilet block which was over the hill. Walking over was hell. Every step forward felt like a step back. The stairs kept on going. I slipped so many times. It was still raining and the wind was so strong and I almost fell at every second step. The wind was a bully that kept on pushing on me. The journey back to the toilet block was unbelievably long. It was never-ending.
But it's all over now! I'M A STRONGER PERSON! I CAN DO ANYTHING!
I survived.
I Returned. Returned with battle scars, bruises on my hips, shoulders and blisters on my feet. But I was okay. I got through it.
I will never forget those two days. Those two days of hell. Those two days that changed my life. No mountain is too high! No valley is too low!

I can get through ANYTHING.

I get it...

I'm picking up the pieces fixing up the puzzle I thought I'd never be able to figure out.
I think I get it now. And I'm okay with it. It's nice to know, it's nice to understand.
Maybe I didn't want it to be like this..just maybe I hoped that it wouldn't end up like this..just maybe I thought I knew you..just maybe I thought there was more to it. I thought I didn't have the strength to even look on this puzzle ever again. But now I know, now I get it.
Usually I hate the truth, but you know what? I'm glad I know. Now I know not to waste my time.
I'm not going to be that person. I'm not going to be like them. I'm not going down that road, I'm steering away from it. I'm not going to play that role, I'm not going to be the one with regrets. It's not my fate. No more. It makes sense now. Wow. I'm surprised..I'm disappointed..mainly at myself. You didn't want to tell me, and it makes sense. I had to find out like this, and I'm cool with it. I'm not going to waste anymore time thinking and wondering because now I know. That was the best damn phone call I've had all week. It all makes sense. Did you want to push me away? Because there's no need, I'll make it easier for you, I'll walk away.

you had all the chances in the world
to let me know the truth
what the hell's wrong with you
are you even listening when I talk to you?
do you even care what I'm going through?
your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
you're right there but it's like you never knew me
...

And everything will be okay. You don't care, and it shows, and I'm glad.
I've just lived through the two worst days of my life and I survived. I can get through anything. I don't need any of it. I'm a changed person, I changed for the better..

if you tried to lose me..

then it worked.

Bleed.

I feel like I'm stuck in a storm. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.
Cold.
I've lost the comfort. I'm left empty. I lost my umbrella. And so I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, confused, with no place to run to. I'm breaking down.

Never thought it'd catch me
Never thought it'd cost me
Never thought it'd hurt me

It cuts so deep that I feel like I've lost a part of myself. It's like losing an arm, I've forgotten how to function.

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone...

I try so hard to pretend. Sometimes it works. I don't understand. I'm scared. There. That's the truth, I'm scared.
I can't bring myself to say many things because I don't want to feel weak. And yes, there's so much I've been meaning to say. But I guess, now those words can stay locked in my head. Now it doesn't seem to even matter. I want them to. But that's what I want, it's not reality.
I feel like I'm left here alone, without a map, without a compass, without reason.
Was I wrong all along?

okay.

So this is how it is. I guess I see things for what they really are now.
And I still don't understand. I hate not understanding. But there's no use.
I'm not coming back. I'm closing the door.
I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of you doing this to me.
So sick of it.
Do whatever you want. Tell me what's the point of caring anymore.
I tried. Can't say I didn't. But you don't care.
So it doesn't matter.
I'm over giving chances because all you do is let me down.
There's no reassurance.
No explanation. So be it.
You don't care enough, for me to care back.

I'll freaking deal.

everything will be okay.

So I'll be honest here.
It's so hard. All it takes are a few short lines, a few rows of lyrics, a few seconds of a familiar melody or a few quick flashbacks to break me down.
I've never been so weak. I can get lost sometimes, lost in the moment and I appreciate those moments. Those moments where I forget and live my life, like I used to. Those times when I can almost feel myself again. And it makes me realise how much everyone means to me.
How much I need them in my life. I love my friends.
But then my world comes crashing down again. Then I lose grip of the handle I had on life. I lose. I don't know how it got to this. I don't know why I am like this. I don't know how long this phase will last. But I know I'll be okay. It's written all over the songs. Like in every movie, there's a happy ending. Everything will be okay.
For now I'll deal with the pain. I'll deal with the tears.

im wishing i never met you..

Even when I'm surrounded by the crowds of laughter and joy, it doesn't heal the foolish pain I feel inside.
At the moment, I feel stupid. A feeling I hate. Didn't realise what I put myself into. Stupid.
I thought I knew you. THOUGHT. Maybe I did, but I don't anymore.
So it's either I was wrong all along, or things have changed. Maybe both.
I hate this condition. I used to look down on people who allowed the pain to take over.
I want it to disappear. I want to forget. I wish I could forget.
It still hurts. I don't want to admit that. But it's true. WHICH SUCKS.
You don't care. It makes me not want to care too. It makes me feel stupid for ever caring about it.
Now I'm stuck.
You know what? Sometimes you say things, and sometimes I'm stupid enough to believe it. Should've known better. Should've known those words meant nothing.
I can't believe you anymore. You can say things, but you turn around and prove yourself wrong. And you prove me wrong. Makes me think, what the hell was wrong with me to believe it.
I want to let go so bad. I said I did about a couple hundred times. Yet I haven't. FML.
This isn't me. This isn't right. Didn't realise I cared so much. Don't think I ever had this much, before. But so be it.
Tell me why. I don't understand. But it doesn't matter. Soon enough I won't even care.
Time will change things. I'll think differently in time. It won't matter. For now..I'll deal.
I guess..I was wrong. I guess all those times meant nothing. So here's to everything coming down to nothing.

.....

THE END.

Dear Diary.

Believe me when I say..when I say that I lied when I said I didn't care. I lied when I said it meant nothing. I lied when I said I was okay.

Thanks. Bye.

Gemini

Your magical ability to switch selves when the need arises is a real power tool. Those who've seen Gemini do this are amazed. If one part of you becomes depressed, disillusioned or ill, you just get rather quiet and withdrawn for a bit, and then, voila! A little while later, you are spotted back in action, smiling and fully functional. If questioned about the former negative condition, you may look blank for a moment, as if trying to remember, before answering: "Oh, that. I'm fine now, thanks." If we all had another self to slip into when life got tedious or troublesome, we'd all stay as young of body and mind as Gemini does.

Gemini

You can talk up a storm today, but being clever can be an effective way to cover up your feelings of uncertainty. You probably don't have as much self-confidence now as others think. But even if your moods are less than stable, you can rest assured that they will settle back down, even if it still takes a few more days. In the meantime, speaking fewer words can help you be more truthful about what's really important to you.

It really hurts. I've honestly never felt so much pain in my life. Ever. And I know there will be other bad times, even worse times. But for now let that day be marked as the worst. So, I say:

"here's to the worst day of my life.."

I felt so numb. I feel so numb. The whole world became a blur, all the words didn't absorb, all I could remember and see was killing me. I can't take it. I've never felt this down. I'm used to being neutral/happy/normal/high, so this is not an emotion I'm used to. I hate it so much. It's not even anger, I wish it was. It would be easier that way. The pain is suffocating, I find it harder and harder to breathe everyday, and I swear it's not the sickness. Seems like you're taking my breath away, in the worst way possible. I feel so far away. I feel like I've been ripped out of the book, torn apart, shredded into pieces. And, yes, it kills. I remember the moments, I couldn't watch. Every single time, I'd leave to save myself. Truth be told, I'm not brave enough to stay and watch, truth be told, I don't think I'd be able to keep it together. I've never felt so weak, so frozen, so cold and so alone. It's the worst feeling in the world. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Broken. It hurts way too much. I really wish I didn't care. I know I said I didn't care so many times, but I was lying. I wish I meant what I said. I feel like I'm in the dark corner. If only I could turn back time. Total cliche, I know. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how I'm going to handle this situation at hand. I feel like a scrunched up and thrown away small piece of paper being burnt. Soon only the ashes will remain. I can't take the pain, I can't bear to watch. It's scarier than any horror movie. The truth is, I'm really scared, I've fallen into a deep hole and the grainy dirt is not letting me take a breath. I'm sinking and suffocating in this pausing phase. My life has slowed. Everything seemed to have stopped. I try so hard. So hard to act normal. But it can get so hard to pretend. I'm not used to pretending, this is the first time in my life, I have to continually fake a smile, fake the joy. I can't let my guard down, if I drop this normal act, I don't think I'll end too well. I must keep it together, but I feel as though I'm going against the wind, against a hurricane. I'm trying my best to not let it consume me. But it's getting harder. I've never felt so much pain in my life. I can't even sleep anymore. I can't close my eyes without replaying the scenes in my head. And it hurts so bad every time. I always walk away. If I didn't, I'd break down, right there. And I don't think you even care.

Screw it.

It's driving me insane. You're driving me insane. I lost control of my steering wheel. To you.

It's so stupid, beyond stupid. This thing feels like a painting with too many colours mixed together, so mixed that the colours look almost confused going anywhere and everywhere without a purpose. From afar this painting may look fine, it may look completely acceptable perhaps even artistic but there's a lot more to it than that. It's completely twisted, scarred by the different paint textures and colours. The emotions are too muddled, some are vibrant and cheerful others are dark and scream pain. To me, this painting has little meaning now. Whatever. Screw it. I don't care anymore.
Smash it with a hammer, screw in it with a screw driver and whatever happens to it, isn't my problem anymore. I'm done. Finished. It has become just another picture to burn.
Honestly, I don't like feeling unnecessary emotions, particularly emotions that are detrimental. I'm not fond of being consumed with anger and/or jealousy. It's just unnecessary.
So there. That's it. It's for my own good. Because, sometimes, I feel like I'm being smashed with a hammer and screwed in with a screw driver when I see what I see. My usual remedy is to walk away. But that method doesn't seem to work so well anymore so I'm done. I can't stand it. I hate jealousy. I hate it as much as I hate you. But the thing I hate most, is that I don't hate you.
So this is why I'm lighting a fire on it and leaving it behind. Hate and jealousy are stupid. I'm not going to lose to them.

FEAR

I was running. It was dark. As much as it scared me, I appreciated the lack of light that hid the stupid tears running down my face. My heart was racing. The beat every step my feet made competed with the pounding in my chest. My breath began to scatter, my lungs were freaking out, I coughed in the hopes that it would get rid of whatever was slowing my pace.
I saw figures on my right. They were blurred and by their drunken movements and steps, I could tell they weren't safe. Through their drunken whispers and their lack of ability to walk in a straight line, I knew I had to get away. I fought every tear, refusing to be drowned in the salty sea of weakness. I was confused. Lost.
The tears of pain could have been mistaken for tears of fear. Maybe I was trying to wrap the prior pain with the present fear. That way no one will ever know. Honestly, this fear did not have the ability to overtake the pain. But it was a good enough cover.
I continued to run away, escape from the strangers. This night was going to end fine. I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew safety would just be around the corner.
I caught the glimpse of company and safety. I saw the number plate. I ran faster and harder towards the vehicle. But it drove away, turning the corner. A blanket of relief fell upon me, I felt the lonely coldness slowly evaporate. But as I turned the corner and looked down the street, it was gone. The car was gone. I continued to run without purpose now, I just knew I had to appear like I had reason and destination. I turned back for a split second, hoping to see a familiar face or anything that didn't present itself coated with red danger. I saw a dark dislocated figure, his every step was filled with pain and his every movement was flawed. I couldn't help but turn around and stare at the terrible image that presented himself as a threat. I felt a rush. I'm not sure what it was. Adrenaline? Fear? Excitement? But whatever it was, with it I ran faster and the cold wind bruised my skin as I fought against its path. The wind resisted as hard as I resisted the tears falling down my face, like pathetic raindrops falling on a window.

Unjumble please

Everyone is lonely. We have to remember that life is to be lived one day at a time. You cannot worry about past or future. Happiness is in the now.

I want something that can't be defined. What happens when what you want is something you can never have? What do you do when what you want doesn't even exist?
I'm learning. The world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I stay and watch as my world breaks into shattered pieces. I stare at these broken edges piercing through my soul. Every single jagged piece is a painful reminder. And then I wonder, what is it that I'm waiting for? Because it isn't real. It can never be real.
Seasons are changing, waves are crashing, stars are falling and I know I will be okay, though my skies are turning grey.
I think I understand now. I think I want something beyond normal. I don't want a plain grey sky. Maybe I want to be a superhero maybe I'm afraid of reality. Reality burns it all. Reality kills the possibility of flying and staying young forever and ever like Peter Pan. I don't like plain reality. It's too boring. I need something more. Something else. My thoughts are everywhere, jumbled, hidden in an enormous find-a-word, or should I say find-a-thought. It's a damn mystery.
If only I knew. If only I truly understood. Everything is so vague that misunderstanding is inevitable to fall into. My thoughts are confused. I am confused.
I'm afraid what I want and what I'm waiting for only exists in my head. The unknown is exciting but terrifying when I have foolishly built vague ideas of what I want it to be. I'm so confused.
I'm stuck in this phase that goes nowhere and stands nowhere. What the hell am I hanging on to? I need to move forward and dodge everything that's pushing me back. Reality is like mud and I don't want to sink into it. I grab on to anything and everything, refusing to accept the limits of reality. I want more than reality can give me.
For now, I'll run away, far away from reality.

Good Morning & Goodbye

Every show has to end. Every drama has an ending but it's not always dramatic. Truth be told, I like drama it makes life and reality interesting but I know better than to hang on to a rope that is falling apart. Hanging on to this rope I have depended on for a long time will only cause painful rope burns that will cut deep. I won't let it get to that point.
Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a word we use when we're in temporary ecstasy. But when you wake up in the morning forever becomes a foolish term. When we were young kids we used to engrave everywhere "FRIENDS 4EVA" and "I LOVE YOU FOREVER!" did we mean it? Maybe some people really did mean it but did whatever it was last forever? No. Not even close. Maybe when we were young, we didn't understand that forever was longer than a couple of minutes, hours or days. Forever represents.. false hope.
I'm at the point where I'm over it all. Over everything. I'm done. Finished. I don't care anymore.
I'm starting new, starting fresh. Beginning a new beginning saying goodbye to history. I'm not the type of person to live on memories, I'd rather turn the page.
Memories are nice and all, but they're not enough, seriously. Living on memories is stupid. I'm not looking back. I'm done with the casualties. No more. That's it.
No more thinking, no more remembering. I'm leaving the past where it belongs. You can't expect me to live on those single moments because I seriously can't and I seriously won't. Yeah sure, you can drive me freaking crazy sometimes. But it's not always the good crazy. I used to pretend a lot of things. I used to pretend like none of it killed me. But the truth is, I think I died every time I saw. I wish it was my imagination. And so the best remedy would be to forget it all, forget the stupid freaking past. I'm not wasting anymore time. No more wrong distractions. I'm not gonna remember you. And I hope it gives you hell.
And I love beginnings and you need an ending for a beginning. I'm not carrying any luggage to this new world. This new world I'm creating. No interference this time. I'm done. Finished. Over it. This new beginning marks the ending of you.

Today's Horoscope

12th July 2009

"You are as restless as the tides today; your feelings wash one way and then the other. Meanwhile, your thoughts are all over the map, even though you can make yourself appear as if you are not moving at all. Don't hide your need for variety now. Admit that you aren't ready yet to make final choices and keep your options open for a while longer."

I love how they explain everything..

Uninvited Hate

I'll never understand.. maybe it's best that way.. maybe it's best to stand in between the two extremes. Fantasy and reality.
I'm scared. It's true.
I've known this road for too long and the end is too far for focusing. I had a funeral and I buried your memory..but you're like a freaking zombie showing up uninvited back into my life when I was so sure I was done. I mentally disposed you..but you're unbreakable, came back when I least expected it. Hit you with a shovel, thought you were unconscious. Scared. I stayed back to see if you were okay..eyes closed you grabbed my hand. Breathless. You were dead, now you're alive. Why do you always do that? I made you invisible, so the pain wouldn't be so apparent. You always show up uninvited, but you might as well stay..
I thought when you bury something, it'd disappear, I thought if I mentally buried you, you'd be gone. But you're not fading..and I'm failing.
I killed you out of my story but something went terribly wrong. Maybe the one hundred bullets through you weren't enough. You're supposed to be out and gone, you should have expired by now. Your time should be up. But you have this thing..maybe it's your magic that keeps you alive in this story.
What do I have to do to keep you out..to keep you dead to me. What do I have to do to actually mean it..? Because I know I don't..and it sucks to admit it. And it sucks to know it.
You're too damn invincible, and I hate it. Never again. Could have sworn I said, never again a couple hundred times already. I'm not learning. I'm sick of this feeling, I'm sick of liking this feeling. I said never again. I hate the nights. I hate the mornings. I know it sounds so selfish but I can't help but think. I hate myself for the way I feel about you every time. I've had enough. I hate the fact that I reached the point of getting sick and tired of this rollercoaster ride. What happen? I used to love rollercoaster rides, until you came around. I'm sick of wishing you were around me everyday every night it's way too much..it's stupid and selfish. It drives me crazy, I'll never understand. I hate it when you're around me..and the only thing I hate most is the fact that I don't.

I don't need any of it

Stuck between fire and ice. Heat and coldness.

Contemplation is damaging, surfacing the things I desperately need to bury. In between two seasons, two elements, two contrasting evils. I stay between avoiding a choice, refusing to burn or freeze. Both are capable of consuming me, killing the spirit, the innocence. I unconsciously block and push away both closing walls, different in every way. There is no safety in this scenario. It's burning or freezing, fire or ice, wrong and wrong. So different, yet essentially the same.
I struggle to understand the warmth that smothers seeming to bring safety. There's a natural pull, reeling me closer to the heat. The stable beat enforces a physical dependence tickling my senses. I need to hear, smell and feel the heat. The presence of this warmth is something I desire constantly. It melts me but I can't help but notice the danger, the burning heat. The flames that seem so tempting now could be the one thing that ends me. I am addicted to being around the heat as it keeps me warm, providing a shield against the drastic weather and changing seasons. This fire, this physical attraction lacks depth. I doubt this goes further than an unhealthy physical need. The comfort emitted from the fire is something I'm not ready to let go of. It's something I can't get enough of.
The cold ice and icy cold has a touch that lingers, irreplaceable. This coldness wraps me, numbing my world and tricks me into passing the wheel that drives my life. Ice is hard, cold, mysterious and seductive. The one element that is capable of freezing me, the one element too capable of taking over. The coldness brings an aching feeling. I've become detrimentally attached to this freezing substance in my life. It confuses me, and I will never understand it but I will never get tired of it. One thing is definite, I will always want it. This desire is unexplainable and impossible to comprehend. I don't know what to think of it. Ice has the unpredictable qualities, easily transforming into water. The water can drown me, strangle the life out of me. Ice and water are not stable as they slide and flow around building paths of confusion. Making me run circles in my head.
I remain indecisive, always and forever, forever and always. Both have fused into me, I don't need any of it. But I want it all.

Mental Disposal

I don't know what's good for me. I'm hooked on what's bad for me and so it's inevitable for me to get lost in the chain of consequences.
Maybe deep inside, somewhere in the corner I know the difference even though I don't seem to act like I do. Down this detrimental path I walk again, it's all the same with the exception of new casualties. Their faces, their words all blurred, all the same.
It's a short worthless road, used too many times, scarred too many times. At first, it's packed with excitement, beauty and adventure but as the journey progresses, the innocent joy fades away like meaningless words written in the sky. The words publicly displayed to mislead people, to make them obsessed with deciphering the words and phrases dripping with meaningless confusion. As the exhilaration disappears boredom comes along and spreads itself wide and thick. It assures unavoidable, boring and dangerous instability.
The heat is addicting, it takes me away from the freezing cold but eventually the fire burns me. The flames can get out of control down this path, it gets dangerous too fast and it burns out. Before I get a chance to escape, before I get a chance to get to safety. Maybe I don't know what I want. But then it's all meaningless junk heading for mental disposal. My thoughts are not constant, they're anything but constant and stable.

Roar

He was lacking the indescribable fire that once gave him the constant boost for his roar. The dark fire coated with addictive substances no longer stayed with him and it left him alone. Alone in a silent crowded kingdom. He once ruled this kingdom, being the drill that brought himself and everyone deeper into a hole filled with happiness, even though it was foolish happiness, it was still happiness. Something that was now foreign to him. He was drenched with lonely emotions instead. The motivation was gone. The misleading dark fire was now a fading image. He had become too dependent on this source of light and now came the consequences.
It was a big mistake to ever gaze upon this light of darkness that brought the temporary feeling of ecstasy. Temporary. That temporary period is now over. Now he was left over to the side. His kingdom wandered in a desert of confusion, completely unaware of what was happening beneath his distant surface. This fire was a secret and no one in the kingdom had a clue about the nonexistent connection he had been foolishly building, in the hopes that it would become something. But now he was glad he kept this beautiful liar to himself. Glad to save himself from the humiliation. A feeling his kind could not relate to.
The passionate, energetic roar he was once known for could no longer be reached. He was now motionless and missing purpose. He entered an era of silence and inactivity as he drenched himself with reality. All this time he should have been independent but instead he mindlessly depended on a fire. He had convinced himself that this fire provided him with purposeful light and energy. Although it did for a period of time, he was absolutely wrong about this fiery liar. The dark, scorching fire blinded him and his logic. It's fleeting image caused his heart to fall into emptiness. The fire burnt him.

The Nod - short story

He was a rare breed. His exterior was elusive and complex. His attention span was as nonexistent as her imperfections through his biased longing eyes. The boy was mesmerised. Hooked on her like a drug addict from the moment she gave him that nod. The nod, that still after five hours left him in a puddle of confusion. He had to know her. He was determined to get from acquaintance to something deeper, a lot deeper.

She was metres in front of him, he was following. He was dedicated, determined to know more. He was addicted from the beginning, from the title, the nod.

She walked with unbelievable grace, without a doubt she was flawless, he thought. No one had ever grabbed his attentions like she did. She grabbed it with her delicate slender fingers and rushed away. So he had to follow her home, know her address, know where to post his love letters dripping with the undying love he had for her. The foolish love. She was walking so casually and she came to an abrupt stop like his heart. He anticipated on her turning around, but she didn't. He was excited and he had been swimming in his fantasy land where their future love was already in play. A black cat. He realised she had paused for this revoltingly, deadly cat. Why wasn't she backing away? Why wasn't she screaming? he pondered. The boy highly disliked felines, he was a dog person. He thought she was too. In his daydreams, she and he were walking their dogs together at the beach with the breathtaking sunset setting an exquisite scene. But he walking a dog and she walking a cat would not do. That picture was not perfect. She patted the cat as if it was a lovable marshmallow. Was she blind? he considered. Cats were disgusting through his eyes. She was a cat person, he had to accept this. He put his head down and had his eyes focused on the uneven floor. He continued to follow her from behind, blending in with the grey crowd, hoping to not appear as a stalker without a life. But her beauty had consumed him. He was desperate to know more about this girl who changed him so drastically and so quickly. But a cat person? She can not be a cat person, he decided.

Her eyes were dark, like black holes they sucked him in and blinded him with the darkness. The boy was so sure she was the one for him. The one he never bothered to look for. And she found him, and she nodded at him. This intoxicating gesture she made was on replay for him mentally. He was convinced this thing was real.

The boy nervously hid himself behind a bush the beautiful leaves and branches covered his view of her. He could barely see her but he could see that she was approaching someone. A male. He pushed the covering vegetation away to have a clearer view of her purity. Her head slightly tipped back. It happened too fast, it was too sporadic. The nod. She had given that dream bruising stranger his nod. He could feel the build up of undesirable frustration, surprisingly it was not a pang of jealousy, it was simply a painful pinch that made him realise, his infatuation for her was as artificial as she was.

Silence

This silence is fatal. It is imprinted with this distinct loudness that I am unable to handle. It kills me more than it should. I care more than I should. I was so sure I tucked away this business. I foolishly built my confidence thick and high, thought I had it figured out. And perhaps I did. But now it's creeping right back up to strike me. It's like a bruise I developed way too quickly and I had finally reached the point where I am indifferent to it. Then this abnormal nothingness punched my internal bleeding, reminding me. Reminding me of the things I wish to avoid. This dead silence is not right. You got me used to something else and now this is what you give me. The intensity is too sporadic, it must be artificial. I remember a time when I didn't notice the silent gap. In fact it wasn't long ago at all. I tripped and fell into this pit and I'm left stuck with this unbearable silence that frustratingly highlights its presence. Making sure I can hear it, see it and feel it. I don't know why this presence and absence can bother me so much. It kicks me away from the normality. The beautifully safe normality. The time was too short. Impossible. This bridge could not have been built so quickly and broken down so quickly. But I am struggling my way through this sinking swamp called my memory, I can't recall the construction. How could this remarkable bridge we built be sabotaged so early? Why did we let the simple silence burn this bridge to devastating ashes? I fail to read and comprehend you. A little while ago, this issue would have been minor in fact completely nonexistent. This wave of frustrating emotions are suffocating and as they lead me, I feel exhausted. What triggered this burdening silence? It was as sudden as my irrational swerving path. It had no meaning, no reason but it was there. It made its position uncomfortably clear and I don't welcome this awful silence at all. I highly dislike this contrast of hot and cold. Why does this affect me? I have absolutely no reason to feel the impact of your burning heat or your frozen coldness. I was once neutral. I will find my way back.

An Episode

Every step he takes forward, she takes a step back. Together they create a remarkable and breathtaking dance filled with incredible passion tied with a unique ribbon of complexity. A dance that no one in the world can ever in all time imitate. Or even begin to understand. His initiation is mentally embraced but her overpowering rational side blocks him and everything he stands for. With him she leaps, she flies, she spins and he makes her better. He leads ever so naturally with every step and pull, flowing with perfection. She follows his lead as if her arms and feet know no better. To heaven or hell and everything in between she’d follow without a single care, as long as there was his intoxicating presence. He has a mesmerising flow to him with every step and move confusing her in too many ways. His current comes on with intensity and with a single move forward she stumbles back in complete trepidation yet their intricate dance continues to flow effortlessly with enchanting grace. She pushes back, with all the strength and might invested in her. While the moronic weak part of her desires to fall. As deep inside hidden through the layers of her cold exterior, she is aware that he is the one exception in this crowd of grey. With him she can fall. With him she will be able to allow herself to let go. With him she will be able to loosen the grips she has on herself. With him she is fearless. And she knows all of this too well. With this apparent knowledge lingering with her mentally she builds her defence. She creates a barrier with distance to keep herself from him, far from the threatening unknown. But he can read her like no other can. With every attempt of hers to lead or escape, he leads as he follows. Understanding her before she has the chance to contemplate or probe upon it. With him she can fall into the forbidden deep end and even dive with anticipation into it. He is the only one she can give her all to. And that is exactly what triggers her fear. And this sole concept alone holds her up stopping her from tripping and steadying her from any signs of a fall. A fall for him. Sporadically in their amazing unrehearsed dance, he spins her into a whirlwind of confusion. Messing around with her world and prior perspective that has only ever known stability. As faced with the terrifying unfamiliar her natural instinct tells her to do anything but welcome these feelings, these thoughts that are so tightly attached to him. His exceedingly powerful and convincing pull blurs her sense of logic with his own brand of perplexity. Falling for him will be too easy, which is why she is standing back maintaining her defensive stance. She knows she can go to magnificent dangerous heights with him. And so how can she allow it to continue knowing how unsafe it is. The higher you go, the harder you fall. She drenches her mind with all these harsh realities and facts as she blocks him from her world. She grips as tightly as she possibly can, petrified with how easily she can become vulnerable when exposed to him. This vulnerability is damaging, if not now, it will be detrimental later. But she knows she can’t allow the situation to reach that point. She can’t help but ponder upon the potential results and disasters. What if he doesn’t break her fall? What if he doesn’t catch her? But his compulsion is too strong and too tenacious, so she continues to step back with every step he takes forward.

Explosive

Your touch is electrifying. You're explosive and too capable of burning me. Like a ticking bomb you are a major hazard that should be avoided. Yet I find myself still holding on to you, completely mesmerized and taken over by curiosity. As life threatening as this is, I am intoxicated with the possible outcomes. Incredibly intrigued by your dangerously warm touch while the safe rational part of me knows I should drop it and run to safety. Away from you. But I want to make sense of this. I want to understand it. I want to understand you. And I know this can kill me. You're burning and I'm catching on to the heat. Reflex has been mysteriously fooled. I'm not letting go. I should, but I'm not. You're electric appeal expels tingly sensations on to my senses. It's coming on too strong. Once upon a time, it wasn't like this and so I probe on my indistinct glass memory. Hoping to retrace and determine how it got to this. Maybe it was a build up, it is simply too unrealistic for it to get to this point and stage so suddenly and quickly. You perplex me. It's an overdose of your electrifying touch. I'm getting dizzy and I'm feeling terrifyingly light-headed. The world is spinning, everything is vague. I'm losing control. I'm losing my consciousness. Your intricate complexity is getting to me. I feel like I've been pushed in a gigantic petrifying cyclone and it's baffling me and my vision. Everything is spinning, I'm feeling slightly faint. You're about to explode. I'm about to explode. So I take the batteries out.

Nothing

I hate nothing. Give me something. Don’t give me nothing. Because I hate nothing.

I'm good all by myself but you make me better.

The exuberant heat is intoxicating. Gradually and painfully building undesirable intensity. My crystal clear glass world filled with constant plain water stands ever so still waiting in anticipation to escape the suffocating heat. The thick glass membrane uttering fragility holds together the bored water as it loses its cool. In every tick of a second the heat takes over, smothering the world closed off by the curved walls. The terrified water is barely maintaining its temper trying to keep it together. Resisting the convincingly damaging heat knocking with complete confidence. But at some point the resistance will fail, but for now the feared fate is ignored tucked in the corner where it is less visible. As if avoiding it will make it disappear. Suddenly without a single warning there is a silent sharp pang as the heat decides to intensify and rises to show the vigorous stance. The glass and water team instantaneously realises the unforeseen urgency. And the battle begins. Both sides fight silently with all they have. The heat uses its suffocating and energetic qualities to lead the water into its deadly scorching den. Resisting and pushing back, the glass uses its barricading nature to defend the water. Saving it from being dragged off to the fatal path. But the water begins to struggle. The heat is becoming problematically unbearable. The glass shield is wearing off slowly putting its guard down with only enough strength to surrender. And so the heat is ever so close to victory. Then at the precise point where the water is at its weakest, at the perfect moment the knight in shining cold clarity suddenly arrives. Coming to the rescue. You save me. As you heroically glide into my doomed heated glass and I can feel the tingle of the contrasting contact of hot and cold. Fire and Ice. You make me better. Every ounce and drop of my water is being cooled by your icy hands that mold and transform the water. The heat in the background sighs in defeat as it stares at this incredible union. The eager ice melts into the welcoming water and they become one.

Truth

Is there absolute truth?
Do lies simply shelter it like a roof?
To the vicious point that truth is blurred?
And fantasy and reality is stirred,
But what is true?
Is it the black, white or blue?
Is it anything that is not a lie?
Will we fight for it till we die?
Or is it what we see?
But from our vision things can flee,
When our apparent vision is so sly,
How can they call it a lie?
It is not of our doing,
We're not responsible for the fooling,
Wouldn't it be a truthful lie?
Innocently wrapped in a perplexed tie,
Unable to extricate itself from the muddle,
This untitled unknown fuddles,
Is the truth hidden between the lines?
Where our perception blinds?
So the naked truth we can never see,
As it covers itself in garments of fallacy
Then we can say absolute truth is non-existent,
But then perhaps it is just mangled and bent.
Unreachable it appears aloof,
Is there really any absolute truth?

Burn Me

The fact that I find such sensation in this excruciating frustration is chronically problematic.

My misleading imagination will guide me to my own destruction. It feels like I'm seeing things that lack clarity. It's quite miserably foolish of me to perceive actions in such an immature manner and this perception makes little to no sense. If I allow this to continue without further instruction I will be leaving a ferocious fire unattended. In the end I will be the liar and victim of the lies. I have unknowingly created a fake reality that has irrationally avoided logic screaming in the background. This will eventually burn me. The fact that I created this scene makes me consider the impossible concept of a part of me desiring such a lie. The misconception that I have deluded myself into will draw me to instability. A lack of balance. Where point and reason is beyond blurred. My rationality will be shattered if it hasn't already reached the state of deterioration. I wish not to have a perception that visualises an episode that is non-existent.

Storm

Dark and refreshingly drowning,
The sky canvas takes new colouring,
Ever so quick it is painted,
The used-to-be clear sky is tainted,
The rain pours marking the beginning,
And it carries varied meaning,
To some it will bring energizing growth,
To others it is another thing to loathe,
It may wash away the fear and pain,
Dissolving a life's troubling stain,
While clarity is drenched and bent,
Deterioration is paused in the moment,
Some drops may freely fall with grace,
Others pound disguising it as a race,
They stomp and splat on the bored floor,
Following every drop and strand comes more,
Then there are the unforgettable wingmen,
Never left behind in the concealed den,
They are the conspicuous echo and shadow,
Chasing and screaming creating a flow,
One brings the exquisite flicker,
Spontaneously random like a trickster,
Lighting up to seek attention,
It glows tickling away distraction,
Coming out to play momentarily,
Stunning the audience incredibly,
Then it shies away after the brightness,
Disappearing in the incredulous darkness,
On the other end fighting for alpha,
Is the inconstant heartbeat of the era,
It builds up a roar of intensity,
For making people jump it is guilty,
Displaying passion in a flaunty manner,
Hitting the auditory sense harder than a hammer,
The pair driven by force wrestles and argues,
With frequent comebacks with no breakthrough,
As one takes over the sky,
The other begins to cry,
There is not an end to this unavailing dispute,
Neither is prepared to give a final salute,
Our senses are tingled with these extremities,
The burning shine gives our slight vision a tease,
The long isolated strike triggers sensation,
While the wet drizzle sprays in this tension,
The invigoration touches us,
Then the dazzling gleam enters campus,
As the miraculous sprinkle gets to finishing,
It marks the end of the beginning,
Releasing the previous anchor,
The new vibrant colours reveal a new chapter.

Not now.

Why is everything excruciatingly more appealing at such a despairing time? Bleak and boring details seem to be highlighted at the moment I wish them not to be. I dread the way these normally avoidable minor things scream and shout directing my attention at them. They have the worst timing in the history of timings, selecting the single moment I am swimming within the strongest waves of reality and barely surviving through the tempest. I am personally not regulated to be surrounded by aspects with traits that are incredibly enticing. The constant tease slowly and painfully crushes me as I know I must push, making an apparent distance in between. They chose the absolute worst point to drive up the intensity that used to be nonexistent. Things that used to flow with normality shimmer in the plains. However, I must refuse to give in as this is the wrong time. Any other time, perhaps before or after this period, I may allow myself to give in to the such attractions. But not now.

Incoming 2009 means farewell year 9

We are gradually approaching 2009 and as we live our carefree lives for a few more weeks we must bid year 9 and the year 2008 farewell. No rewinds and no second times, this is it. This year is over. Many will look back and blame their circumstances on fate or bad luck but reminiscing with a negative tint over their perspective will bring nothing but regret. We are foolish to magnify minor disintegrating details of our past and allow it to linger with us in the present. What's done is done. Remember the good times and forget the bad. There's no need to hold and grip on to unpleasant things. We should make the most of now. The past does not matter. The future does not matter. Because we don't live in those places.
Like the turtle said in Kung Fu Panda: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"
They say we don't recognise the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We are blinded and too satisfied and often without realising we grow to be satisfied with being constantly unsatisfied. We tend to take things for granted only realising the worth of it when it has been taken away from us. Then the realisation bashes you and wakes you up from a sleep you don't even remember falling into. Like Sleeping Beauty you initially wake up unaware. And then you realise how much you needed and depended on it and how you love it.
Childhood. Saying goodbye to ninth grade is like saying goodbye to childhood. A place and time where things aren't serious and plainly simple. But the unfortunate truth is: we are growing up. As much as I wish I was Peter Pan, I find myself slightly excited for the future. The unknown brings ecstasy. Completely overwhelming and a mystery I am strangely delighted to see unfold. The future. So many questions and all the answers lie down the road of life waiting for our steps that will bring them to reality. Things will be different, that is for sure but how different? We'll just have to see. But a part of me wants to cling on to this year. I think I am too content with the present and a seed of uncertainty has been planted and it grows fear within me. A part of me fears the future yet another part anticipates for it. Contradicting, huh?

I've given up on giving up slowly

I'm getting all the confirmation that I asked for. And only now do I realise how much this truth strikes me like lightning. It gets me thinking about how much I actually wanted myself to be proven wrong. I wanted the truth. But I should have realised I couldn't handle the truth. It's such a weak feeling knowing that I'd rather be comforted and wrapped around lies than face reality straight on. Like a shredded cloth, this cause is pointless. Perhaps at one point I believed in this deceiving cloth. But my vision is no longer blurred and what I see, is a torn apart cloth with no use and a bin around the corner screaming home. Even if it's ripped all over and stained to the extent of no going back, I can't help but want to keep it. Hoping that one day it will mend itself. But I need to dispose the cloth and these thoughts that linger. It's presence only disintegrates my mental well being.

Worlds Apart

The distance is unmeasurable almost non-existent. A space that cannot be translated into digits or descriptions of clarity. Yet its distance is unbearably noticeable. As much as I try to seep the facts into deep holes, the dead fish of truth floats to the surface. I do understand and I do know, now. Would I want the story to be told differently? Would I want to edit out and in some characters? Probably not. Am I content with the truth? No. But the weirder thing is, I wouldn't want it any other way. Or, I just can't see it any other way. My imagination disintegrates at the pinch of this subject. Things are the way they are and I wouldn't want to see it another way. Any other way, wouldn't make sense. This already doesn't seem real, any more would only delude me, tossing me into crazy people land. I guess there's only so much I can take. And I say that for both sides.
Do I want to close this distance? Yes and no. Or should I say yes to an extent. I don't think closing the distance will settle me internally because "ILLOGICAL" will be racing across my mind if it were to. It just wouldn't make any sense. I should push away and escape the bounds I unknowingly created. I should break it before the cement dries, before any more building occurs. I guess that's what I should do. But most probably not what I am going to do.
I don't think I will be able to handle anything other than this current state. Nothing more, nothing less. Distance is good. More like I'll learn to know it as good.
"I just feel like we're in the same room, but we live in two worlds apart." - NLT

Gemini Overview: November 23, 2008

"You don't usually get lost in thought. Navigating the mental and social realms comes naturally to you. Today, though, you may get stuck on something that you can't let go of easily."

Emotional affairs are swamps

We're all familiarised with the fairytale saying, "Don't play in the woods" right? Woods are like forests, right? And forests are like swamps, yes? So then, woods are like swamps? Doesn't make sense? Well fine, whatever. Makes sense to me :D.. Not really, but screw that. Well back to the point, as woods are similar to swamps, I could say, "Don't play in the swamps" yeah? May not have much clarity, but I figured a bit of fairytale can be the back support for my thoughts.

Emotional affairs are swamps.

Dark, deep, damp, dangerous, murky, blinding and feared they are. Occasionally it is too easy to find ourselves in these swamps. Perhaps we don't find them, they find us. The dirty smothering towering trees surround us blocking the sunlight of logic. From the outside they may be intriguing and tempting but we are fooled. Fooled like Little Red Riding Hood. Once we are in, we give the Big Bad Wolf a chance to consume us. Who we once were, no longer matters, the pitch black tint in these swamps takes no notice, killing all what we once stood for. When we think of swamps we think of unpleasant, icky wetness.
Define: Swamps
A place where the land is always wet
For some people, the wetness may represent the tears that flood. But I don't think so. I think the wetness pinpoints the heaviness of emotional affairs. No matter where you wander in the swamps the wetness follows you. Because the fact is, the wetness is everywhere in a swamp. In an emotional affair, like a swamp the feel of something clingy is there, sticky and gluey. Sticking to you, not letting go. When you try to pull away from the gluey matter at first it may seem like finally an escape is within reach, however give it a few, and the presence of the elastic aspect will come to surface. Like a rubber band it slams back at you. Reality then hits you. You are stuck. Stuck in the swamp. Suffocating.
Like swamps, emotional affairs are packed of vicious, gruesome things that bite you and drag you down. As you wander your way through the suffocating land you trip and fall, struggling to pull your feet out of the murky grittiness. There is no freedom, there is no light.
Your life is strangled out of you, sucking out all the space you once had. In the swamp you are prone to diseases with no way out, you are stuck. Your feet have sunk in the ground, you are trapped. The swamp is too deep, the clearing where the rays of light screaming freedom is out of sight. No where near. Or perhaps you're just blinded. As you wander deeper into the swamp the more danger you face, more ferocity appears. Run away.. you can try. But remember, in a swamp the wetness is everywhere. When you dive into the river the grotesque substances are barely noticeable at first but when you swim and foolishly push deeper the suffocation intensifies, becoming unbearable. In conclusion, in my book, the most dominating characteristic of emotional affairs is swampy.

My Surfer's Sunset

If I was a surfer, you'd be the sunset.
I come for the tides that relieve my day to day frustrations and my reality. The therapeutic waves crush the memories imprinted in me, stealing my complete attention for the little time I have in the mesmerizing consuming water. This moment I have anticipated for hits me, once my bored bare feet enter my personal water world. The water is filled with endless vibrant chatter. As all the waves meet, they converse on the details and events that have occurred before their longed for reunion. With enthusiasm some waves strike my ears with their intense roars imitating bloodthirsty tigers chasing their terrified, defenceless prey. I come for all of this. The social world of this sea. The excitement and glee the waves provide me with, as my board of life collides with each and every one of them. But mentally there is a vague and brief fading image that largely contributes to the reason why I come to "ride" the wavefront. The sunset.
The breathtaking sight intoxicates me, chasing away all my thoughts before that moment. That moment when my eyes meet the dark vibrant colours spreading across the sky with the appealingly intense circular light in the centre. It stops my world. Briefly becoming the centre, through my subjective perception leaving my proactive ways I enter the reactive atmosphere. The endless chatter of the waves seemingly fade or perhaps I simply am too distracted to notice. Distracted with the bright shiny thing that I waited so long for. It is like nothing in the world I have ever came across before. It is effortlessly attention grabbing so different from everything else. This intoxicating scene appears only at this moment and only here am I able to capture it. This exact place at this precise time allows me to collide with the sunset. As I mindlessly gaze at the unique view I briefly feel the closeness between the intangible object and I. It feels as though, finally our worlds collide. I ignore the impracticality of the concept as it is something that doesn't belong to the world I am too familiar with. It and its elusiveness doesn't belong in my logical world. At that moment it may feel so close, yet at the same time be so far. In fact out of this world. Standing at a point in the solar system and the distance is so far to the extent that it is unmeasurable. But logic is trapped outside at that moment, there are personal blocks I built without realisation in my mind. I am too dazed to consider the factual concepts. But like they say, every song ends. And as I return to reality I can't help but wait for next time...

Unidentified

Do you ever get that indescribable dagger-striking feeling? The one that seems to follow you like a plague without a cause? The feeling that sinks you to your deepest? It's the feeling that crushes and ruins you like a massive wreck ball. What it is, is beyond me. I don't have the slightest clue what it is exactly. Nor am I sure that I can describe this feeling that disintegrates me.
Do you ever feel lonely? Scratch that thought, lonely is way too much of broad term. Do you ever feel like you're alone in this world, but at the same time you know you aren't? It's as if you're fighting your own mental battles alone, which is what we're meant to do, I suppose. However it's more complicated than that. It's like those times when everything suddenly falls on top of you and you're more than somewhat flattened by the load that didn't seem to exist before that moment. Perhaps it's more likes a build up, and the more you ponder on the concept it kills you more. Magnifying the undesirable thoughts. It's not loneliness. It's more like loneliness is one of the side effects.
I'm quite incapable of deciphering this mystery. It's like poison. Or well, it poisons your world. Or should I say your perspective. It seems to drag out the worst in things. It's as if everything becomes tinted with darkness and murkiness. Confusing.
Like you feel like it's only you in this world, and by that, I don't mean that it's an egocentric feeling. It's more so like you're facing the whole world alone. As in there's no one to break your fall or someone to grab and hold on to with your tightest grips. As in the feeling causes you to question where you are. Who you are. You know, how sometimes you just don't feel like yourself? It's like that. It in a way makes you question what matters. It has the power to intensify the negativity in things making issues seem larger than they actually are. It creates a puzzle and you simply don't have the pieces to it. And you are forced to stare at the incompleteness. It's a scattered feeling, completely elusive. It blurs all meaning in the world, making you squint and once again try to decode all the points in life. But then again, is there a point to life? The feeling makes you unwillingly rewind all the depressing moments of your day or week, whichever. Instead of focusing on the good points it reminds of your darkest moments. Your fears. It makes you want to hide in your own nutshell. Closing the door, locking out the outside world. Yet instead of feeling safe and comforted in your own walls, you feel more, vulnerable. Yes that's the word. Vulnerable. The feelings make you feel all the insecurities. Building them all up and then at these times the explosion occurs. No. The implosion occurs. And it's nothing that is loud or conspicuous, really. Yet it's real noticeable and obvious to you, perhaps it's even immediate.
Can't shake this feeling off.

Beyond our own world

"Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and found a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder, how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of
people's lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dream died? Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were
somehow destined to be there? Just think. You could be a big part of someone's life and not even know it."

Every life, every being is something to someone. No one on the face of Earth is meaningless we all have marks on others, good or bad. Our pure existence has impacts on others, to some we may be significant, the centre through their eyes however in others we may mean very little, a background wall flower. But to say someone is nobody it is wrong. Inaccurate from all corners. Strangers in our backgrounds are not strangers to others although they may not directly be a part of our world yet, somehow and somewhere our worlds may collide. Our world is small, small in the sense that it is unmeasurable. Like a small pond everything in the world interconnects a simple ripple by one being, affects many directly, consequently others further from the initial point will experience the waves large or small. The effects may be fortunate or it may crash our world depending where and how we stand in this pond of the world. In the end the devastating flame of pain or the well-waited-for flame of beauty will reach us regardless of our distance from the ignition. Everything matters.
Everything we do. Everything we say. Matters.
The way we treat others matter, our words of kindness or our words that burn with brutality. All our actions have consequences, it may harm or boost others. We all matter. Someone once said, "..bitterness poisons the people around you"
But some may say it is inevitable, but there is no truth to those words. At times we are controlled by our emotions and we may be feeling like we're the one suffering and filled with hurt and hate so we unleash and burst at others. An unhealthy way to relieve anger.
We can unintentionally spill the poisonous anger and pain on to others allowing others to be infected with the disease of hurt. It can be easy to forget others are capable of suffering it is way too easy to be egocentric. As we live in our world. Being the main character in our story of life, our thoughts revolve around ourselves, our wants, our needs. In our own world we are the hero/heroine or victim, making it difficult to realise we are not the only ones in the world. Not the only ones that matter.
Someone could be your everything, everything you ever wanted yet they may have no idea. Or you could mean the world to someone and you don't even know it. Everyone in our background, every minor character in our life is a someone to another. We don't realise this because we don't think beyond our world. We don't realise there is a world beyond our own. Nor do we realise there are greater pain and frustrations beyond the ones we suffer ourself.
It's a complicated concept to contemplate. Our loss is someone's win, our treasures is someone's trash. It's all perspective. We often fail to see beyond our own world.
The things we do, matter. We all carve imprints on to the world with everything we do.
"Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives... for better, or worse."

Addicting

You are like a drug. A substance in my life that I should keep a distance with, yet knowing this fact, I unknowingly urge forward as if controlled through the pulls of magnetism. Like a drug you are illegal and wrong. Completely aware of the lack of legitimacy of the concept I fail to ignore and live through rationally. It's only human to want things and sometimes our desires are all wrong for us. Knowing this fact we reach forward for more. As strong and resistant we may pretend to be on the surface, behind our masks the sad reality is we are human. Humans that cave and eventually give in and accept defeat, pulling up the white flag. Like a drug when you reach me, change within me is inevitable occurring too naturally ignoring all mental blocks and walls I build. I am forced to sink into layers of mental battle and swim into the deep dark threatening ocean of confusion. The illegal substance slows the reaction of the victim and swipes the control. Like a drug you are the one thing that destroys me. Leaving the victim dazed and motionless, drugs take you away. Dazed. The word humours me.
Drugs take their innocent users away. Away from reality. Away from all that they have known. They drive you through waves and tides of intense sensation, provided from no where else. A confined new world the substance constructs within our minds, a perfect world. A world that does not exist. Like a drug you delude me. You're intoxicatingly elusive and unbearably cryptic.
You confuse me entirely, your remarks leads me into a mental room of confusion where I ponder alone upon the reasons and thoughts behind your words. Although you can frustrate me at times particularly at the times when you seem to be intentionally annoying me and yet at the same time completely amused, I can't get away. The intoxicating feeling you trigger in me is something I never want to let go. You are the one that lights that fire. Like drugs you change me temporarily although I am scarred, as your presence physically and mentally diminishes and deteriorates I am able to return to normality. Without you within contact and proximity I am able to escape your intense control over me and I have firm grips over it all. But as my drug comes into action it hits me like a gigantic life changing meteorite crashing into my plain perfectly dimensioned ball of life.
A drug has one most prominent characteristic. Addicting. Clicking on desire and want dragging out the weak in people. Overpowered and mesmerised by the ability of the breathtaking substance I am lost in thought. Why are people addicted to drugs? Knowing that it is evil, wrong and going against all morals people seem to do it anyway. Is it the concept of escape that intrigues us? Drugs seem to provide an escape. Escape from reality. We're all running to stand still. Victims crave the toxic, addicting substance that hides and covers reality, bringing a desired scene into view. Almost like the way I crave your presence.
I am in no state of preparation for your elimination. I simply can't, while you are a drug to me. A drug I am addicted to.

Unexplainable Actions

I dislike the insanity, difficult of definition you trigger within me.
The utmost weirdest, indescribable malfunctions occur within myself in your presence. I fail to understand the foolish comments and actions that I am supposedly controlling. Out of your proximity, I have grips on control, I have logic. I understand logic. Throughout my short life I have always personally made sense of everything, always having control. But this malfunction, that I have spent hours contemplating on still has no sense or reason. The existence of this malfunction has no purpose, it simply lurks and haunts my mind. This sense of attraction is shredding sheets of logic. You seem to unintentionally be crushing the commonality dragging my mind under the intensive waves into an unfamiliar scene. You defy the commonality in the life I have known. And you ask, why am I different in your presence? At the time my mind was fairly distant from reality and I didn't understand the concept myself in order to make you understand. Why am I different in your presence? Honestly, it is beyond being rational and in control. It didn't come to my realisation that it was obvious. I wasn't aware that you could read me so well. Perhaps my actions and ignorant comebacks sing my thoughts aloud, and damn, you were there to hear it.
Why don't we ever want things when they are right in front of us? Why don't we appreciate the presence of things and people when they are actually there? Why must we yearn for their presence when they are away? Again. We want the things we can't have. It's a terrifyingly complicated concept that I've been struggling to make sense of. Do we simply enjoy the frustration of confusion? Does this confusion have a certain mental appeal to us?
My glass of concentration completely disintegrates in your presence. It is no longer in my control. I use to have a handle on life until you broke it. The reality is, you are aware of this.
Perhaps the reason for your constant hovering and extra explanations is because you believe I have an attention span of a child (which I must admit is not at all wrong). It simply puzzles me how you can be so observant to pinpoint the second my thoughts wander out of the room. You seem to realise before I do.
Is it not confusing when the moment something or someone comes within your proximity your control over it all diminishes? Yet while a second earlier your view and world was intact and free from unclarity. It is as if these things or people possess something that blinds you. There are no definitions for these people, however personally I have one particular accurate description. Kleptomaniac. You steal my control frequently, more than I am capable of understanding.
"The way you stole my attention was flat out burglary" GCH
You are like a compulsive thief in the night, a kleptomaniac. You don't even realise what you're doing. I vanish between the lines of reality and am replaced by someone with nothing more than ignorant complaints. You steal my control.
He's a kleptomaniac, he'll steal away your control. You better check his pockets and wallet before someone gets hurt.
Is it psychological? Do we mentally turn off a switch in our mind? It is a confusing concept, one that I am unable to understand and explain. This concept makes a perfect rubix cube.
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire; The other is to gain it." - George Bernard Shaw

What I want and what I can't have are the same thing.

Like the selfish humans we are (or well I am) we want the forbidden things in life. The objects that obtain our attention are the ones that are beyond our reach. The further and further we reach for them our irrational affections intensifies. Is it the beauty of the impossibility that pulls us in? Perhaps the reality of the difficulty or impossibility of getting our egocentric hands on the certain something or somebody triggers an illogical inner rebellion.
This peculiar psychological concept in a sense can be translated and explained metaphorically. The forbidden fruit. In this world we, like Eve, are cruelly teased. In the world of games and competitions this "forbidden fruit" is something that slows us down, makes us run slower and leads us to an unknown scene leaving us to the dead end of confusion, wanting more. And more. Why is it that we find such intense appeal in the things we can't have? Is it in relation to the psychological and mental side of being human? This insane humanly trait of mine is the cause. The cause of me finding you frustratingly desirable.
It's the attraction of the idea that it is completely beyond possibility no matter which corner you may analyse from. Knowing no matter how much I may want, I can never have, makes it something that shines and shimmers incredibly. The value of it all increases. Perhaps in a different world the idea wouldn't be as absurd or impossible. But if this theory of mine were to be correct, wouldn't that mean the entire appeal you seem to hold would no longer exist or at least be not as strong? Deep inside we are foolish children driven by our immature instincts wanting the forbidden candy that is hidden on the top shelf while a completely legal whole bowl sits within our reach. The forbidden fruit effect makes it naturally difficult to resist. Imagine walking through a park and there are two apple trees present however one of them is fenced off. One is in easy reach whereas the other is proposing a challenge. Which one catches your attention? The plain ordinary tree that simply requires a light pluck? Or the enchanting, mysterious tree that has been purposely put out of your reach? I personally would be attracted to the caged tree. Our minds will have no choice but to speculate on the reasons why it is fenced off. In our minds we may delude ourselves in believing that those apples are more ripe, more scrumptious and better for sinking our teeth into. All this because we can't have it. Much earlier in time humans have had the desire to fly. Impossible. Why can't we accept the fact that we were destined to roam the grounds? Why must we be so intrigued by the idea of defying gravity? It goes against logic. The thing is we know we are unable to fly, deep inside this is a fact to us. Yet so many of us disapprove of this fact. After coming to the sad realisation that it is indeed not possible, we as humans created things that provide a similar sensation to flying, although artificial. As humans we have always wanted things we can't have and to do things that are beyond our capabilities. This entire concept may possibly be something personal. Perhaps I have to come to the conclusion that I have the inability to be satisfied with things that are easy and within reach. Perhaps I have to accept the fact that I want the things I can't have.
Desire is a simple concept. It basically is an irrational mortifying creature that can take you by the reins and drive you into deep waves of confusion.

A Fight

The next time you think of bringing anyone down, think. Being brutal, inconsiderate and to put it in one simple word.. mean, doesn't make the world a better place and doesn't humour anybody. Perhaps yourself.. but then you must be a monster. Haha.
Hurting the feelings of others is not an act that I believe should be encouraged in fact how thoughtless and heartless can you possibly be to be mean to others.
Depression is a serious issue, most of us toss this word around so carelessly but the fact is depression is not just a word to describe a temporary feeling of sadness we all as individuals suffer from occasionally. There are countless victims suffering from this severe mental illness that seems to be plaguing around us. Depression is usually triggered after major build ups of darkened thoughts and experiences and none of us should have to come to the point of depression. It is a lonely place, and none of you guys should ever have such a horrid experience. Not that I have had any personal experiences, despite what Ms Ross may suspect. HAHA!
I personally dislike the thought of people going through pain whether it be physical or mental, it just doesn't feel right. No one in this world should be lonely and no one should be ignored.
Tennessee Williams once wrote "When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone" I bet he was probably a decent friendly old man. Haha. I'd hate to think anyone I know is going through depression, it just isn't right.,
So be nice, and this world will be a nicer place to live in. (:

This elusive feeling is a fight,
It drowns me in a deep sea of tears,
The dark clouds shade me from the light,
My mental wheel it steers,
It is a conspicuous thief,
Robbing me of my joy,
Leaving me to the dead end of grief,
Its single motive is to destroy,
It haunts me every second,
Like a toxic insignificant ghost,
Prancing in my mind it beckoned,
Leading me as it’s the host,
Leading me to my own hell,
My own tunnel of darkness,
Where I am alone in the secluded nutshell,
I am its personal canvas,
All over it paints tragedy,
A despondent puppet I am,
With the silent beast controlling me,
Following like a mindless lamb,
I put on a devastating show,
My audience become more and more puzzled,
Like from the radiant Sun to lonesome Pluto,
I hear their far away murmurs all muffled,
These warm faint shadows try to reach me,
But I am in too deep,
Too deep in this pit so eerie,
All their bewildered eyes see me weep,
I try to reach the surface,
But the menacing tides disagree,
Pushing me below breathless,
In this mental forest of mine,
It is as dark as a graveyard,
Where no light can shine,
Here I have been scarred,
And here I learnt I am nothing,
It is my unstoppable deadly predator,
That causes my bleeding heart aching,
It strikes me like a dagger,
This elusive feeling is a fight,
And now I surrender,
I pull up a flag so white,
No longer can I be the prey to the predator,
And here I am with a bullet to my head,
My metal saviour will pierce through,
Shattering the pain imprinted glass I dread,
And it is death’s cue.

Don't you just hate it when you care?

The whole world spins with so much more ease when you refuse to care and bother with the minor details. Life was simpler when thoughts and emotions were kept at the surface. It was safer. But for some reason what if something manages to seep through the resistance or perhaps you experience a moment of weakness and let go of the reins of control. You begin to be dragged down below the surface to a bottomless pit where all you can do is ponder in the tunnel of darkness of your creation. While if you allow yourself to believe and trust, you elevate above the surface perhaps feeling more than you have ever dreamed possible. Feeling exceeding positivity gaining a pass into the world of perfection where rainbows dominate the pretty blue sky and the rabbits hop around on perfectly green grass, or whatever your perfect world may be. Well the point is this perfect world is only temporary. Before you know it this perfect picture of yours will disintegrate and shatter into millions and millions of pieces to the extent that the pieces are no longer visible and no evidence of your perfect world can be seen through your eyes and perspective. It is just like when you finally get your moment of peace and ease on the rollercoaster everything falls down dragging you along with the mess. And you really have no say in what happens and all you can do.. is, scream! haha
It's like greenhouse gases, it has to be at the right level if you let is go too high then you are in a load of trouble. But without it at all our world would be a terrible cold place. Haha, that's what happens when you study for science.

They say it's better off not knowing, and I guess it is safer it keeps you at the surface I mean ignorance is bliss, right? But personally, I like to know things, as much as the truth may strike like a dagger, okay that was a total exaggeration, but you get the drill. As a complete third person outsider, it isn't logical to care about such an issue or the person for that matter. There was no initial shock, I guess a part of me knew the truth well suspected it at the least. Yet a larger overruling part of myself refused to accept the fact and ignored all the obvious signs. Forcing myself to believe my own lies. It is simply beyond logic for this to remain in my mind. I told myself long before that this was nothing of depth. And it was nothing more than curiosity. And damn, don't they say curiosity killed the cat? Pure curiosity, I still believe that is all there was to it. Curiosity of this odd character in this boring world that was it. From the beginning, a part of myself knew you weren't like any other and of course you proved my theory correct. The character you played was.. the only word even close to the description, is well.. different. Like no other. Not what I have known and have grown use to. Perhaps you were like a colour that simply differed to the usual world that screamed bleak and grey. And then the truth was revealed, well I was going to find out eventually, better now than later, some may say. But why do I care? Why does it matter to me?

Don't you just hate it when you care? My initial reaction was blank and plain, and as I had expected neutral. Then I guess it hit me. Without a warning. Like a gigantic life-threatening lightning bolt striking in the plain sky canvas, marking the beginning of a dark rainy era. The words finally reached me and sank in. Took a while, really. But once it sank in, it drowned me. My careless side with a short attention span diminished. My thoughts refused to float away from the absolutely minor issue. Can't really say the whole thing kept on crossing my mind, because it never actually left. It was an unfamiliar place where I cared about the things I shouldn't care about. Sort of lost the whole Switzerland thing I had going on. It really put more effect on me than I would have ever expected. It's like I'm turning into something I never aspired to be. I mentally took the situation and blew it out of proportion and allowed it to control me like a silent puppet master. I'm in a desperate need to dismiss these thoughts that circle my mind. Contemplating about such an insignificant fact is weak and simply foolish. Something I really don't understand.

Huh, blogging does allow thought ventilation.