Everyone is lonely. We have to remember that life is to be lived one day at a time. You cannot worry about past or future. Happiness is in the now.I want something that can't be defined. What happens when what you want is something you can never have? What do you do when what you want doesn't even exist?
I'm learning. The world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I stay and watch as my world breaks into shattered pieces. I stare at these broken edges piercing through my soul. Every single jagged piece is a painful reminder. And then I wonder, what is it that I'm waiting for? Because it isn't real. It can never be real.
Seasons are changing, waves are crashing, stars are falling and I know I will be okay, though my skies are turning grey.
I think I understand now. I think I want something beyond normal. I don't want a plain grey sky. Maybe I want to be a superhero maybe I'm afraid of reality. Reality burns it all. Reality kills the possibility of flying and staying young forever and ever like Peter Pan. I don't like plain reality. It's too boring. I need something more. Something else. My thoughts are everywhere, jumbled, hidden in an enormous find-a-word, or should I say find-a-thought. It's a damn mystery.
If only I knew. If only I truly understood. Everything is so vague that misunderstanding is inevitable to fall into. My thoughts are confused. I am confused.
I'm afraid what I want and what I'm waiting for only exists in my head. The unknown is exciting but terrifying when I have foolishly built vague ideas of what I want it to be. I'm so confused.
I'm stuck in this phase that goes nowhere and stands nowhere. What the hell am I hanging on to? I need to move forward and dodge everything that's pushing me back. Reality is like mud and I don't want to sink into it. I grab on to anything and everything, refusing to accept the limits of reality. I want more than reality can give me.
For now, I'll run away, far away from reality.
3 comments:
I've yet to read a thing in your blog other than this post. I found my way here by via a google search of a poem/words a friend put in response to something I wrote in my myspace journal this morning..
Once I remembered how this journal ended up among my browser tabs (I always end up having 15 randomly opened tabs while surfing the net.) I searched a random matching word that being "waves" to read the poem in which you found reason enough in to cite.. of course in doing so I read your words (this song off my randomly playing playlist just came to lyrics perfect enough that I must cite them after the conclusion of wh
atever words end up coming to me). coincidence..? this is for you to determine.) i read your words and saw in them a indescribable, to most, truth showing through against all "logic" all their easily perceived "reality"
perhaps you are as was all my life.. a soul that could never quite understand this worlds perception of logic.. seeing the futility (another random song lyric playing this moment..).. seeing the futility in it all.. the flaw in the idea that life is nothing more than making empty money so that one can collect a vast array of material possessions which have not benefit or use.. no truth.. but to embrace emptiness 'til death do they part' so that life will have been "successful"
On the edge of insanity.. losing one's mind.. or a step from enlightenment.. walking out of their world. I wasn't quite sure 'til the day came and in it that moment with which I was fully blinded, a first in this life, and in truth. by truth. of truth. I swear it the last. A single action came of this blindless (just thought of a truth which came to me) this action was of that which I never saw their reason.. the root cause of such action being the one thing I hate in this life.. that which I never understood.
This is the first I've seen in reason to offer the following expression of this individual realization of mine to another
"When you reach so far down below the facade of hate, the misery, and the number of faliures.. it was only then something so fucked up, unclear, even unjust happened to understand again who you are" - Jason Daniel Pair 7/8/2009.
Precisely as was worded on paper by pen.. though I see now it reads "to again understand who you truly are" the again could be just that which we have before this physical life, or maybe a little piece of truth which was seen but not clearly enough to recognize.. to understand is being having shown that off the wall thought has pattern, truth, clear synchronicity..
When the following came to me I was sitting alone on a beach in florida a couple of hundred miles from those I've known in this life.. acting on the "crazy impulse" that there might be a certain truth to be found in time away from those who, for fear of their simple thought, I would have easily denied my truth for shame.. an "imagined idea" that giving empty motions, for fear others simple judgment, priority over acknowledging true self and living for personal truth which we perceive through our eyes might be a mistake.. I now see it as the greatest human flaw, the greatest, most obvious lie.. to somehow go collectively unnoticed.
I awoke from a physical sleep.. those two things which came to me.
"Had it wrong, here is right. Don't run from them. Walk to them, with strength, and a presence of mind." 6/29/2009 11:15pm
These in quotations are my truths understood through my collective experiences, take or toss them as suits your reason.. truly truth is understood as to be found from no place but within.. when searched in a honest attempt.
"My clariety shown through. Peace here with me. Under the light I know wherest I walk. A clear path. So now I walk, be it to a complete life, be it to a consequential death. I walk with peace" 7/3/2009 7:31pm
One single action this entire life of mine was in full conformity with the "norm", everyday routine to those who would judge, harm, even kill to have living spirits capable of enlightenment be blinded. As I've heard, I'm sure you've heard "be of contribution to society and not waste your life". What true contribution is this? Living for no reason other than making more money than the next guy.... If life is a gift with in it meaning that we might matter.. what greater waste can there be than to fall in line? Such masterful deceit.. to have world accept futility as "the meaning of life". This action I speak of the actual physical none blind would see it horrible as I, the actual intent, however, defines the action.. this was one of greed.. one with no reason.
Rather than finally understanding the world and falling prey to ignorance I was blessed to have my eyes torn open so I could fully see. Not to judge others misdeeds, but to understand the affliction.. for it's the same they share, the same which drove me ill.. such are selfish acts. Only by reason I was made well.
It was a spiritual awakening.. in this I have looked to see and in the tiniest of things the most, as the material world thinks of them "illogical, senseless, pointless" I've seen such truth with such synchronicity to make that which I believe undeniable to me.. I only know my truth as that which I can reach out and touch with the tip of a finger.
It's so foreign and unrecognizable to their "logic".. all the shit society has fed us since childhood. I would have believed myself insane.. but undeniable truth keeps showing itself the physical.. alone and with others to witness... I see in it clear reason..
Too far out and different from that society would have us believe.. to be anything but imaginative, foolish, nothing but a nervous breakdown or shock reaction.. but in so many of these signs there is verifiable truth.. reason which is not just felt or perceived.. but seen in things that even the most blind see as there... as real as the leaf which that tree knows, and the fall which carries such to new existence.. the next experience..
I've met people.. of all times.. and places.. I was there, they were there.. had these thoughts.. ideas.. learned of people.. who had my exact realization, found by the same path.. but seen and understood by individual truth, individual experience.. to let the collective be understood as one.
My realization came not by blind faith, but through spiritual knowledge. I picked up my truth to walk with.. and since I've not know shame, fear, anger, hatred, bitter thoughts.. In this I can finally say I have understood forgiveness and it not be a lie. And truly forgiveness has found me and known me.
I conquered the false self.. selfish.. that from which all self perceived suffering comes, and that which is the true evil.. none of it is material, none of it.. this known by accepting, as to present, in truth one idea.. one idea so.. right there.. so easy.. so uncomplicated.. a single thought "selfishness can't be everything, meaning is more than the material rat race" how was it so simple? ..all I had to do was try and follow this in honest truth.. that which came to me from within, that which I understood, that I knew and that which knew me..
true self does not lie.... that which, having come from the outside, one tries to blindly follow is the lie.. it is that which destroys common sense.
freedom is to be free.
accept nothing as truth only because another knows it as truth, even if you are to believe this that I, and another, remembered to be really real and that I, and another, found something true, despite how near something might be to that you yourself has begun to perceive take it not immediately as truth..
but when you know that within which brings your truth, you will embrace it, cherish it, you will know yourself and you will know truth.
Then by honest truth you can show it.. and know no shame, nor fear.. those are the imagined things which are not true.
As I read today you said.
7/17/2009
Reality is like mud and I don't want to sink into it. I grab on to anything and everything, refusing to accept the limits of reality. I want more than reality can give me.
For now, I'll run away, far away from reality.
In thought of that they think a defect, that they call my A.D.D I wrote this
7/23/2009
"In this under stimulated and overly domesticated society it might seem incomprehensible but there was a time, not long ago, when alert individuals were not just needed they were revered. Survival was not a matter of being properly equipped to sink beneath a never ending sea of monotony, nor was it having the ability to shutdown one's very soul in an effort to ignore all surroundings, as is now deemed "normal" because danger is extinct. They tell us how tiny the percent, how unlikely it is that we would ever need to be aware. Statistically we couldn't be one of the unfortunate ones whose survival in this world at some point will come down to nothing more than a quick impulse, a moment in which there is no time for consideration."
So where do I get in line?
Oh yes.. the two songs..
1. "Rhyme without reason is why children cry. They see through the system that's breeding them just so they die." - Testament, 'Return to Serenity'
2. "Life really takes it's toll, and a poet's gut reaction is to search his very soul. So much damn confusion before my eyes.. but nothing seems to phase me and this one still survives." - The Ramones, 'Poison heart'
A truly good man passed from this world Sept. 8th 2008 as he was a great inspiration to many, myself included.. Yesterday I spent some time watching a video in which he spoke his thoughts on life to type them in word.. in tribute and that another might understand such enlightened words.
Evan Tanner. Feb.11th 1971 - Sept. 8th 2008.
"I do have a sense of there being, the idea, that there's an underlying truth to everything.. there's a pattern, there's a truth.. and you know being out and about, the traveling. I'm probably paying attention to different things than alot of people are when they're out traveling.. in a sense I'm trying to find the truth of things.. I'm looking, just looking just trying to keep my senses open and my awareness open and just.. just try to find it, you know.. find the truth. If it's there for us to understand in this particular existence, that's.. I wanna find the truth of things.. you know, that's going to be an ongoing adventure.. an ongoing search."
"In a sense I lost myself to gain an understanding of the things that matter, it's not all these things that we're taught from childhood; in this society anyway.. I think there are some cultures that are in tuned, that understand, that got it, you know.. We gotta run away from ourselves here in this society, we've lost touch.. and very few people get it.... took me awhile."
"find yourself.. who's to say we've ever lost ourself. you hear that concept, that idea, that phrase all the time.. find yourself find yourself. What if you never lost yourself? I don't think I've ever lost myself, I got caught up playing the game a little bit.. thinking that's what I was supposed to do.. but I never lost myself. Finding yourself is easy. Alot of people are afraid to acknowledge themselves, that's the problem. I think we all see ourselves, it's just.. do you have the courage to acknowledge yourself and standup.. standup for what's in there.. most people are afraid to acknowledge the true self.. I don't think it's a matter of finding it, it's there.. everybody sees themselves they know themselves, most people do.. it's just the courage to face it and acknowledge it."
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